I’m not sure how many more movies can be carried on the trope of infantile adults, though Bad Teacher is going to try its damnedest, primarily by having its main character Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz) respond to criticism with a pubescent teenager’s “Oooooh,” perhaps leaving out the “I’m so scared,” but this is a bet I would advise against taking. So, for the sake of positivity, let’s also overlook the obnoxiously punny tagline that “She doesn’t give an ‘F’,” though it’s also contradictory in its attempt at humor in that Halsey is shown grading papers with obloquy rather than feedback.
While we’re at it, we can also overlook the fact that writers Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg, despite having a hand in a few episodes of The Office, also penned Year One, which utilized Michael Cera’s frantic personality, but was a lesser version of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.
In cookie cutter fashion, Bad Teacher offers Halsey’s yang in the form of Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch), whose chittering name bespeaks her role as a well-loved, favorite teacher of the students. It also bespeaks the nature of balance, in part , encouraging Halsey to reform – not herself – but her teaching style in order to win the obligatory carrot given to “whichever teacher has the highest score” on the Illinois state exam and denounce Punch’s opinion that “I can’t think of anyone less suited to be a teacher.”
Despite the obvious hangups that this film exposes through both the trailer and the primary movie poster, there is still positivity, and it can be found in an examination of the subtext surrounding teachers and teacher unions, of which Halsey must be part of if she is able to verbally berate and criticize her students in a less than constructive manner with impunity. If, perchance, there is no commentary being made on the inherent dangers of unions, then perhaps Bad Teacher is commenting on the inefficiency of educational administration as it lets students slip through cracks and employs teachers who are more focused on weekends and summer vacations than teaching, which is aptly suggested when Hasley suggests she’s “not going to go to [the first day of school],” despite the mandate that she be present, to which she delivers the “ooooh,” alluding to the fact that her job is secure and administration would have a bureaucratic nightmare filled with miles of red tape if they wanted to fire her.
At the same time, Hasley’s prime motivator – money – should also be considered here in that it reflects the grievances that teachers have for their lack of compensation and thus, whether through malice or by default, a rising lack of indifference toward a curriculum that houses teachers, who “are themselves products of the same compulsory school programs that so thoroughly bore their students, and as school personnel they are trapped inside structures even more rigid than those imposed up on the children,” as suggested by John Taylor Gatto in his essay “Against School” that appeared in Harper’s magazine in 2003.
So, perhaps Bad Teacher is tackling the ubiquitous ennui felt by both the teachers and the students. The question is whether or not they will offer a solution to this epidemic, or if the film will devolve to predictable innuendo like when Russell Gettis (Jason Segel), proffering a bag of soccer balls asks Hasley to “hold [his] ball sack.”
Whether Bad Teacher delivers actually seems negligible in that the safe bet is that it won’t. Besides, sometimes the beauty of conjecture is offering insight on what could and should be said, not necessarily what is.
Homer Simpson is a simple man. He likes enormous portions of everything that he likes. Donuts. Bacon. Beer. And all of the other things that make life worth living. Homer, as a good many of you know, also has some experience with ex-plo-zhe-uns.
I didn’t learn gluttony from Homer. But I probably learned how to do it better from watching back-to-back episodes of The Simpsons during the early days of its syndication. On the occasion of the US soccer futbol team getting bounced from the 2010 World Cup, I chose to mute my sorrows by engaging in at least one act of gluttony. Fortunately for my liver, that act did not involve quarts of rum. (Only a single quart.) It did involve an incalcuable number of ex-plo-zhe-uns.
This weekend, I bought one ticket to get past the ticket taker at the 48-screen movie theatre near my house. On the other side of that ticket taker, three of the theatre’s auditoriums screened Knight and Day, Jonah Hex and The A-Team, respectively. All of them probably cost a bunch of money to make because each of them overflowed with ridiculous stunts and, you guessed it, ex-plo-zhe-uns.
(Okay. I’m done with that word now. I promise.)
I started my movie marathon with Knight and Day. I’m not sure why that film was titled that way. One character’s real name was alleged to be Knight. As for Day…there wasn’t any plot device I remember that relied on anything having to do with that word. Maybe the title tested well. Maybe some marketing person thought the phrase would be easy to remember. If I were in charge of naming the picture, I would have called it: Two Giant Movie Stars Who Are a Little Bit Out of Their Prime Who Will Do Some Cool Stuff Together for Two Hours. ‘Cause that’s pretty much what that movie was about. Nothing else about the film mattered. Not where the characters come from. Not what their arcs were. Not even whether the story ended happily or not. What you get is a double dose of crazy–Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz–that has almost come to terms with their lack of sanity and still has decent chemistry together. Also, both of ‘em are in really, really good shape. Like, the kind of shape that is a walking advertisement for whomever their trainers are. If I was a kajillionaire with at least four hours of free time every day, I would definitely hire Cruise’s trainer. Although Diaz’s trainer would suffice. Oh yeah…one last thing about the movie…a whole lot of shit got blown to bits.
I wanted to stick around for The A-Team, but it started about an hour after Knight and Day ended so I needed a bridge movie to keep me in the theatre. Jonah Hex wasn’t on my itinerary, but it did span the two flicks I wanted to see. I missed its first 20 minutes or so. And I left before its final reel unspooled in order to see The A-Team. During the hour or so I watched, I saw John Malkovich blow up a Civil War-era train. I also saw Josh Brolin burn down a 19th Century pop-up arena. And I saw not nearly enough of Megan Fox’s body. The short summary of my Jonah Hex experience: some of the dynamite went boom and some of it fizzled.
And that brings me to The A-Team. Did you see the trailer for this one yet? (Hell, maybe you’ve already seen the film itself.) In any case, there’s a scene where a tank is dropped from an airborne airplane. It’s a great, thunderous absurdity. And it was one of several bursting exercises in the ridiculous that made it into the final cut of the movie. Which is the only thing anyone should have expected from that flick. And that’s not a bad thing either. Sometimes, the ridiculous and the absurd is exactly what you need.
I’ve seen plenty of films that moved me. Films that explained life to me when I struggled to figure it out on my own. Films I have come to quote like some kind of Dead Sea Celluloid. Films that have become…my friends. Consequently, I know what qualifies as great fuckin’ art. And I appreciate that shit. Like, a whole, whole lot. But art isn’t always necessary. Sometimes, you need a cheap thrill. A cliche, even. Something that’s really big. And kinda dumb. And, hopefully, a little bit of fun.
‘Cause when it’s a million degrees outside and your favorite team lost the most important game of its season…big screen ex-plo-zhe-uns are one of the few things that can make you feel better.
Well, that and a quart of rum. And, possibly, a meatball sub. ‘Cause there’s never a wrong time for a meatball sub. MMMMMMM…meatball sub.
We don't always review movies, but when we do, we often give them numeric values to let you know what we think. Those numbers roughly mean the following:
10
One of the best movies I've ever seen. If you don't at least sort of like it, I probably just lost some respect for you as a person.
9
Great, great stuff. Your film-watching career can't be complete if you don't see this.
8
You should definitely see this. One of the better films of the year.
7
I enjoyed it. If you see it, you see it, but won't change your life either way.
6
I wasn't upset that I watched this, but it's certainly not great. Watchable if you're on a plane and don't have a book, but wouldn't go out of your way. Meh.
5
Hot garbage, entirely forgettable and a total waste of time. Never watch this.
4
Epically, memorably terrible.
3
You cannot be serious. Maybe the worst thing I've ever seen. Absolutely staggering. Unreal. I loathe everyone involved with this.
