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Anne Hathaway

Remember when the troika of Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger), and Bane (Jeep Swenson) led their villainous charge across the screen in Batman and Robin, the final installment in the Batman franchise that was rebirthed in the 80s and mercifully executed in the 90s?

Me neither.

However, the blame shouldn’t fall on the thin shoulders of Thurman whose villain was never really more than eye candy and whose ability to make her victims fall in love with her is rather lame and more suited for romantic comedies than superhero action movies. Nor should it fall on the roided-out broad shoulders of Bane, whose character was wasted, or Schwarzenegger, whose most memorable lines were terribly written puns that rivaled Robin’s unnecessary exclamation of “Holy rusted metal Batman!” in Batman Forever: which is both an allusion to the campy television series from the 1960s as well as a factual exposition that they are standing on pile of holey, rusted, metal. Boo.

The blame also can’t be placed on Robin (Chris O’Donnel) or Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone), primarily because their inclusion didn’t cause the debacle; they were just widgets within this conglomerate time bomb.

To assess the damages here, one needs to step back and look at Batman and Robin as a whole, noticing that fourth installments (though only the second by Joel Schumacher) are rarely successful and are reserved more for the horror and sci-fi genres.

More importantly, Batman and Robin perfectly epitomizes the mortal sin of superhero-driven movies: the deluge of villains and sidekicks, whose sole purpose is to distract the audience from a flimsy story or illogical plot points. For additional examples, please see Spiderman 3, a film that focuses much more on visually masturbating its audience than birthing and building on Venom, the best character in the Spiderman canon. One can also refer to X-Men: Last Stand, another film that showcased how superpowers can be translated from imagination to live action, but it becomes more caught up in battle scenes than storylines.

Too many villains spoil a movie because each comes with an origin story of his or her own, and with this story comes  motive. The same can be said for heroes. Why is Robin so determined to get revenge? Well because his parents also died. Why is Batman willing to take him under his wing? Well, because both of their parents were murdered. Granted, it would be lazy to have Batman and Robin run into each other at a bar and exchange the brief:

“Nice outfit.”

“I wear it because someone murdered my parents and my inability to save them has made me seek closure vicariously.

“Me too. Want to work together?”

“Buy me a beer?”

However, the drawn out exposition between the symbolic (and often literal) connection between the two characters takes up time; unfortunately these connections are often lateral and don’t progress the story; rather, they only justify the introduction of another character. The same can be said for villains. There never seems to be a need to team up, yet the “two of us could work together and eliminate [insert superhero here]” often enters conversation at the local Villain Lodge, but this is futile, not the least because two villains with domination on their minds aren’t going to work together well – that’s why they’re villains. More importantly two people having one plan leaves little room for failure. Logically, it would be more difficult for [insert superhero] to foil two malicious plots simultaneously:

“I’m going to release Sarin gas in school full of children.”

“I’m going to blow up a large office building.”

“Let’s say March 21st.”

“Buy me a beer?”

They should just exist separately, mutually wreaking havoc on whatever parody of New York City the setting happens to be.

Unfortunately, the emergence of additional characters often signals a larger problem: uninteresting primary characters to drive a story. When this happens, the only thing left to do is fill time by creating vignettes of semi-story that lead to fights or explosions.

Take Batman for example. His story is rather basic: parents were killed, unable to save them, guilt drives him to don the cowl. The progress he makes from young boy to martial arts knowing / gadget wielding badass was interesting to watch in Batman Begins, but what next? This issue is exposed in The Dark Knight because, honestly, Batman is comprised of one note: he seeks closure, though it’s masked as “justice.” He’s seen as an enemy, but he’s also a hero. The story can’t go much beyond that. Fortunately, Ledger’s performance as the Joker carried the film, partially because he was a character whose origin story was the lack of a rational origin story, one that constantly changed and aided his mystery and psychopathy.

At the same time, The Dark Knight also treads on the “too many villains” motif when it births Two Face, killed thirty minutes by creating a conflict between Batman, Two Face, and Commissioner Gordon, then killed him off, never to be seen again without an illogical story line in a subsequent installment. If the purpose of introducing him was merely to kill him off, then what was the purpose of introducing him? Sure, Batman now gets to be the villain – again – because Harvey Dent should always symbolize something “good,” but why? If Dent is exposed as a villain, then people will know that they can’t always look up to politicians? And, why is Batman taking the rap for this? Well, because “we have to chase him.” But why?

All in all, the bigger issue here is that Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight Rises is dancing dangerously close to becoming a villain-filled debacle that promises to visually mesmerize but leave a viewer disappointed, and I hate saying this because Nolan has resurrected the Batman franchise and established himself as one of the best directors in Hollywood.

At the same time, the cast of characters grows.

In addition to Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Morgan Freeman, and Michael Caine (who have 4 Academy Awards between them), the third installment includes Marion Cotillard (Also an Oscar winner), Joseph Gordon Levitt, Anne Hathaway, Tom Hardy, and Matthew Modine. The latter three are the ones that cause concern as they will play Catwoman, Bane, and Nixon, respectively. The villain quota is up to three thus far, and while Catwoman is the well-known villain of the triad – and at times a love interest – the question becomes “where is there room for the other two?” given that time also needs to be allotted for the presence of Cotillard and Levitt.

Perhaps the highly-anticipated sequel will be a three and a half hour opus, and in a way, I hope it is. Nolan revitalized a franchise that devolved to silliness in Batman Forever and ridiculousness in Batman and Robin, but he might be flirting with disaster with his own tidal wave of villains.

Let’s hope not.

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I heard there was an Oscar broadcast last night, but when looking back on the evening, it seemed that there was less of an awards show and more of an attempt to draw in a younger, hipper audience to the annual event, which was mocked at least three times in the first half –hour by hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco, who welcomed us to the “younger, hipper” Academy Awards.

And, maybe this was the shtick the Academy was going for, playing off of the snarkiness and sarcastic tone of the younger generation, but the train wreck begins when the snarkiness is scripted, rendering this awards show like many others: predictable in awards and gimmicks, resulting in more boredom than entertainment.

Predictability in Awards hardly bothers me now unless the show runs over four hours. As Anthony Lane has suggested, “people who seriously expect movies to be original should find themselves another art form,” and he has a fine point here. Many of the movies we are surrounded by are derivative, and the challenge is to convey the content in some variation of a variation of a variation. In the same vein, the Academy Awards is a rat looking for a food pellet in a maze while avoiding being zapped by a phony feeder bar.

The pellet for all of these shows is ratings: do people tune in? If so, they are satiated, and despite some of the terrible shows in recent memory, people keep watching. Despite the running times that fluctuate from 180 minutes to 269 minutes, people keep watching. In a sense, it can be likened to NASCAR: there’s a high percentage of a wreck, but if not, the finish could be close.

Who could turn away last night while watching the uncomfortable juxtaposition of Hathaway’s over-exuberance with Franco’s uncomfortable – and seemingly unprepared – dopey-straight man performance. Perhaps they were both just performing and went a tad overboard; on the other hand, Hathaway is an actress who took a role in Havoc, one in which she stripped naked a handful of times, just to shatter the Disney image procured through The Princess Diaries. She wants to belong, and she wants to stand on that stage with her very own Oscar, so perhaps her quandary of when nakedness stopped equaling a nomination is more truthful than tongue-in-cheek, though it certainly came off as scripted.

And perhaps Franco, who has been magnificent in a number of films including this year’s 127 Hours and Howl, wasn’t acting so much as showing how indifferent most of us are to who hosts the Oscars. What more could you expect from a guy who spends his days on General Hospital, his nights on a full course load at Yale, and the rest of his time rumored to be producing adaptations of McCarthy’s Blood Meridian and Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying? The Academy might have been driven to use Franco because of his current hot streak in Hollywood, but what else could they have expected?

It seems evident that they expected little more from their hosts than to move the show along, particularly in the decision to put Hathaway in a tux to slander Hugh Jackman (Why did he get so much flack last night?), which leads to the predictable emergence of Franco in a dress. Cross dressing can be funny, but please see my previous post about why this was not. The same can be said for Kirk Douglas announcing the Best Supporting Actress Award. Kirk Douglas deserves the respect any storied actor does, but that segment might have been the most uncomfortable scene in recent memory – ranking right up there with the last few Rocking New Years Eves where Dick Clark delivers the coda through the side of his mouth. It’s noble to think “once a performer, always a performer,” but both inclusions border on embarrassment and humiliation – kind of like asking Muhammad Ali to announce “Let’s get ready to rumble!”

It is wonderful that Douglas is still mentally sharp and has a sense of humor – one of the funnier parts of the broadcast was certainly his recurrent pregnant pauses before Melissa Leo became catatonic and then tourretic on stage – but most of his appearance was scripted, which is evident when the suited stage hand took his cane and held it on the bottom — an awkwardly shot moment because no one would hold a cane as such – which prompted Douglas to enter into a hand-over-hand competition to see who wins the cane.

In the end, the Academy favorite won the award for Best Picture, Firth took last year’s Best Actor award home this year, Christopher Nolan remained shut out, as did David Fincher who – if not Aronofsky – deserved the Best Director Award. Therefore, regardless of who hosts the Oscars, the predictability is constant, and perhaps instead of moving to a younger, hipper audience, the Academy is going for the indifferent kind.

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My brother married a Canadian woman. They exchanged vows in an Ontario border town situated at the most eastern and most southern point of Lake Superior.  For the reception, the bride’s family–who had emigrated from Italy–supplied enough good wine to fill up all five Great Lakes. (All of it was consumed.) The maid of honor made a toast that used the word “fuck” in a tasteful manner.  When the DJ played a Michael Jackson medley, a group of middle-aged men performed an impromptu half strip tease. After the reception, my cousin won two grand at a poker table at the border town’s casino. My other cousin hooked up with the bride’s best friend. Who was a smokin’ hot exotic dancer. (Not as much of a redundancy as you may think.) The morning after the wedding, I woke up in a bath tub. Wearing a tuxedo. With a big pile of gnarled chicken bones on my chest.

My college roommate–who went on to become an attorney–married an Indian woman who worked as a pediatrician. They celebrated their nuptials at a big country club just outside of Washington, DC. He made his entrance riding a massive pale horse. (The grounds of the country club wouldn’t accommodate an elephant.) Both of their families are Indian so the September ceremony stretched for nearly five hours. The club had four different bars, which allowed me to toggle comfortably between college football and the ceremony.  In the course of that wedding day, I ate 40 lbs of food. And, by one conservative estimate, I ingested 11 gallons of curry. Along with seven gallons of bourbon. Also a conservative estimate. At the tail end of the wedding night, I was on the verge of winning $300 in a friendly game of cards. But I had to sell my chips when my other college roommate called me in a panic. He had wandered off very drunkenly from the reception several hours prior and had passed out somewhere on the club’s golf course. He hadn’t sobered up enough to navigate his way out of there and had rang a dozen people from the wedding party before I answered. It took five of us two hours scouring the fairways before we found him. It took all six of us another hour to escape that well-manicured jungle.

There was a different wedding where I “met” a chick at the reception then got “stuck” in a hotel room with her after we both “volunteered” to be bumped from our overbooked return flights. Then there was the wedding that was held at a museum. (I’m pretty sure the Chagall was damaged before we got there.) At another wedding, Fergie–who happened to be the groom’s first cousin–sang a Luther Vandross standard for the newly married couple to dance their first dance to.(*)

I haven’t been to a great many weddings, but a significant number of those I have attended have been…epic. In one way or another. So I feel like I know some shit about how weddings are really supposed to go down. And I feel qualified to declare that weddings–all weddings from this point forward–have been ruined by a movie.

Rachel Getting Married is not new. You may remember it. It came out a couple years back and earned Anne Hathaway her first Oscar nomination. The conceit is surprisingly simple: a recovering addict is released from a rehab center to attend her sister’s wedding which is being held at their father’s Southern Connecticut mini-estate. Rachel, the one getting married, is on the verge of finishing a PhD in psychology. The guy she’s marrying is a musician. We learn that–and a whole lot more–about the two people who are about to make a very happy couple as we watch the sister slash addict–played by Anne Hathaway–awkwardly integrate herself back into the broken family.

Why was it broken? Well…there was a tragic death in the family that ultimately caused the divorce of Mama Rachel and Papa Rachel. The Anne Hathaway character had something to do with the tragedy. And, to the chagrin of some, she was not the one who ended up dead because of it. I won’t say much more about the plot as the flick has been running pretty regularly on pay cable and, since it is very 8-y, you should definitely see it if you haven’t already.

Before the film ruins weddings, it is first an exploration of family. And, as the members of Rachel’s blood and extended families mingle to administer to all the details of the wedding, we get some interesting insight into how a family can function.

On its face, the prospect of being part of a family is good for one’s health and rewarding for the soul. There will be someone to pour hydrogen peroxide over your bloody, gravel-filled knee after you lose control of your bicycle. There will be someone to cheer your name when a diploma is handed to you. And there will be someone who cries joyfully on the happiest day of your life. Between all those big, boldfaced moments on the time line of a family, there are the little moments that, when taken together with the boldfaced moments, raise a larger question: does a family prop each other up or hold each other back?

(There is, of course, such a thing as a dysfunctional family. But that has far less to do with the family and much more to do with the dysfunction. To be frank, that type of conglomeration is a vomitous pile of something that was supposed to taste good, but instead caused a revolt of the taste buds of all involved.)

Rachel Getting Married kinda makes us think “hold each other back” is the answer. As we learn about the addict, her addiction and how her family tried to navigate its way through their own special ring of hell, we see that love is only as valuable as it is intelligent. Blind support or desperate affection is extremely counterproductive–for all parties involved. You probably could pick up any of a dozen semi-crappy romantic comedies to obtain that cliched revelation. What makes Rachel Getting Married a valuable movie experience is the raw way in which each character gets to have their own moment to make the case for “propping up” or “holding back.” As each character does, we find that the truth–as it usually does–lies somewhere in the middle. Families do both. They can’t help it. Smart families recognize when they’re holding each other back and they make the necessary choices to get back to the propping. Those families who aren’t smart enough…well…they struggle together. Or, rather, because of each other. Until the day comes when they figure it out.

But this wasn’t supposed to be a rant about families, now, was it?

In the movie, Rachel Getting Married, the coolest wedding proceedings imaginable unfold casually and carefully. We start with what appears to be the rehearsal dinner. There’s no nervous walk-through followed by slightly tense interactions between families and friends who wil be forced to share at least a part of each other. Instead, there’s a concert. Or, to be more accurate, a series of performances. By a dope electric guitarist. A dope spoken word artist. A dope jazz ensemble. A dope comedian. A dope choir. In short, the whole shit was dope. (The groom was actually played by one of the dudes from TV on the Radio, I think.) And then they sat down for dinner where everyone took turns giving speeches about the bride and groom. Both of the Moms. Both of the Dads. All of the Siblings. Both of the Best Friends. A number of the not-so-best friends. And…I kid you not…Fab 5 Freddy.

Yeah. THAT Fab 5 Freddy.

And that brings us to the ultimate lesson from Rachel Getting Married–the one that ruined weddings forever moving forward.

You and I have both been to some pretty amazing weddings where some outrageous characters have done some exceedingly memorable things. You’ve probably seen some crazy drama from an evilbitch bridesmaid or dumbass dude who can’t hold his liquor. (You may have performed in one or both of these roles.) Since weddings all need to accomplish the same thing–to legally tether two people to each other–they all kinda have to exist within the same framework regardless of the richness associated with any particular tradition.

Since we know the ultimate spoiler to every wedding proceeding–the groom will kiss the bride and they’ll march off happily into the ever after–wouldn’t it be cool if all the players who make up the scenes that comprise the wedding could be cast instead of invited? And wouldn’t it be cool if you could write those scenes yourself rather than conforming to some overused script?

Like, instead of some random cotton-topped dude sitting at Table 7 trying not to stare at the cleavage of the 19-year-old blonde at Table 6, why not have Fab 5 Freddy chomping on a cigar and teaching the assembled children how to properly tag a subway car? Or telling stories about crazy nights spent in some Jamaican shanty town? Or doing whatever Fab 5 Freddy does to be cooler than 100 polar bears’ toenails?

Maybe you wouldn’t cast Fab 5 Freddy–if you wouldn’t then you should probably unfriend me everywhere on and off the internet–but there’s gotta be someone you could dream up to be a guest star at your wedding who would be far more interesting and entertaining than your co-worker from two jobs ago who you haven’t talked to in a year.

Going back to the movie, Fab 5 Freddy was just one of several elements that pushed the proceedings several stages past epic. There was a whole lot more music on the actual wedding day. A samba troupe. A folk singer and his band. A Jamaican dance hall singer. An alt-rock band. A DJ. And maybe a couple others I’m forgetting. The ceremony itself borrowed from Hindu and Judaic traditions and was executed with surprising simplicity. Mr. and Mrs. Rachel exchanged original vows which each ended with a simple phrase, “Thank you for marrying me.” The bride’s vows quoted her father. Most of the groom’s vows consisted of him singing a verse from a Neil Young song. When it came time for the officiant to make things official, he asked both the bride and the groom, “Do you?” When it was time for food to be served, the bridal party–even the dolled-up Rachel–tied on some aprons and delivered plates piled with meats grilled by an unnamed uncle to the hungry attendees. Also, there was an actual Wedding Czar played by the wildly entertaining poet Beau Sia.

So there was much more to the nuptials in Rachel Getting Married than just a bunch of dope artists. There was an aura of mutual compassion, an element of service, a subtext of humility and an eagerness to celebrate the genuine love two souls share for each other.

Your friends and family may love you, but are they truly worthy of being cast to perform in your wedding scene? More importantly, what kind of wedding scene can you dream up? Who cares if your family is Chinese and her family is Irish Catholic? What’s the coolest possible thing you could say to your soul mate in front of a room full of people? Cumbersome white gown or comfortable purple sari? Do you really need cake? Or would you prefer to leap into a pool filled with chocolate pudding? Do you have to have a priest or would you rather have an emcee preside over your loving shenanigans?

Whatever you do, don’t forget to invite Fab 5 Freddy. You can no longer have a proper wedding without him.

* 87% of the three introductory paragraphs is completely true. But I can’t remember exactly which 87%.

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