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Tim Adkins

While the big-bellied graybeards in both major political parities argue over who is more wrong and who is less right, the average American shrugs her shoulders insouciantly. Janey may or may not own a gun, but she is certainly weary of the sniping her elected leaders like to engage in. She is even less interested in what shouting heads or bloggers want to tell her about how her country is doing. The only way to pry her attention away from her Blackberry or soccer practice or Glee is to touch a specific nerve. Janey comes in many shapes and sizes, but there is one issue she will always feel passionate about: education.

Before Waiting for Superman made its big screen debut–even before Oprah dedicated a whole show to the film–the decibels were rising in the discourse about the state of public education in these United States. It was as if every Janey (and every Dick, too) had arrived at the same conclusion simultaneously: our schools are in bad shape and we really need to do something about that.

With a mid-term election looming, education would likely be a central issue given the small number of A-list offices up for grabs. It is, after all, a classic rallying cause for those seeking re-election or those hoping to unseat them. But jobs, God and the reach of government appear to be the major plot points in this November’s story. (Oh, and taxes.)

So, what is driving the bump in volume on the education conversation? The answer, believe it or not, is…documentaries. There’s 2 Million Minutes. Heart of Stone. The Lottery. The War on Kids. Race to Nowhere. And, of course, Waiting for Superman.


(via gapingvoid)

I Am Trying to Break Your Heart
Waiting for Superman is the latest film from Davis Guggenheim, the man who helped bring you An Inconvenient Truth. (He also directed a 2001 Peabody-winning documentary for PBS about teachers called The First Year.) Waiting for Superman is very clearly meant to help shift the conversation about public education in the United States. But in which direction is not quite so clear.

In the film, we meet four kids. Two from New York. And two from California. The age range, roughly, is first grade, third grade, fifth grade and seventh grade. We follow two Black kids and one young Latina from working class households as well as one White kid whose family lives in Silicon Valley. All four journeys deliver us to the same destination: school lotteries. School lotteries, by the way, are required by law when there are more applicants than there are available spaces at magnet or charter schools. (I think.) They operate just like you’d expect them to: kids’ names are etched onto something (ping pong ball, note card, discarded orange peel, etc) and are dropped into a hopper for a random drawing. This usually happens in public view and provides some pretty intense theatre.

Each of our kids and their families find themselves struggling against one of the ugly heads in the U.S. education hydra. Two attend neighborhood schools that look like Eastside High before Joe Clark arrived. One can’t afford to keep paying private school tuition. And one has a fairly simple dream that her school simply cannot help her achieve. (Something about wanting to become a teacher.) In short, none of the kids is (or manages to stay) enrolled at a good school. Each of them–at the behest of their families–submit to the lottery process in order to escape their respective shit shows in search of better opportunities at schools that are worth a crap.

As we get to know about the lives of the core characters–and the circumstances that shape those lives–Guggenheim lays out the stakes in the most dramatic terms. The difference between winning a lottery to attend a good school and being left to fight one’s way through the most geographically convenient school concerns not merely the amount of money a person can earn in a lifetime. It is, he shows us, the difference between having basic access to a modest version of the American Dream and being relegated to that other America. The one where you’re free to be, more or less, an indentured servant. If you don’t end up in prison. Or dead.

By the time we get to the climax of the film–the absurd school lotteries–what happens to those four harmless, innocent kids is shockingly heartbreaking. It’s the kind of thing that any Janey would probably curse at through her tears. “Is this bullshit really happening in America? How in the fuck did things get this way? Whose ass can we kick to fix it?”

The answer, according to Guggenheim’s film, is the teachers’ unions.

(via llisallindsay)

Say Hi to the Bad Guy
The title, Waiting for Superman, draws from a sound byte delivered by Geoffrey Canada, one of the more charismatic and authoritative education figures who appears in the film. It references a conversation he once had with his mother about the existence of Superman. (SPOILER: Superman is not real, yo.) The title doubles as a clarion call. And it is dangerously reductive. If there is to be a hero in our story, there must be a villain as well. Good storytelling can be that kind of simple if it chooses to be. And this film does.

Guggenheim, at his core, believes that great teachers create great educational experiences. In the film, he shows us the great, the awful and the unseemly. He tours all of the schools that are the destinations for the winners of the lotteries. Regardless of where they are in America, each of those four schools has in common a culture that nurtures and rewards great teachers for being…well…great.

The awful schools, on the other hand, do not share that culture. Guggenheim shows us failing (or failed) schools in Milwaukee, Detroit and Washington, DC. What all of those schools appear to have in common is an exceedingly restrictive relationship with their teachers’ unions. The best example of this comes from Detroit where union contracts and state laws conspire to ship bad teachers off to detention–with full pay and full benefits–instead of firing them. We also learn about the great travesty of tenure whereby union-negotiated contracts enable teachers who work in a certain capacity for a certain amount of time to qualify for automatic pay hikes based strictly on time served. Tenured teachers, we’re told, are virtually unfireable.

To underscore the point that teachers’ unions are to blame, Guggenheim explains to us that union contracts have made it exponentially more difficult to take away a teacher’s license in Illinois than it is to relieve a lawyer or a doctor of their right to practice. And by exponentially, he means a kajillion times less likely. It is as if the the U.S. public education system has chosen to condone educational malpractice. Or, in some cases, to reward it.

(If you’re a Janey, your blood should really be boiling now.)

The head of the American Federation of Teachers (AFT) gets some screen time in the film to rebut portions of Guggenheim’s narrative. Truth be told, her case is a pretty difficult one to make. Is tenure a collective bargaining accomplishment that, in some states, has made it really tough to fire terrible teachers? Probably. Is tenure a fact of life for every teacher in every school district in the U.S.? Not really. From what I’m told, tenure is actually a bit of a mirage for the average teacher. It’s not as common as Waiting for Superman suggests.

So…we know that some of the things some teachers’ unions have accomplished at the bargaining table have resulted in some ill consequences for some school districts. But can all of the blame for the troubles of public education be laid at the feet of the unions? They might deserve some of it. But it’s not as if the AFT exists solely to bring about ruin in our nation’s schools. If Superman showed up tomorrow, would he visit the AFT or Washington, DC first?

(via Top Slam Dunks)

Who’s Gonna Take the Weight?
Shortly after Adrian Fenty was elected mayor of the District of Columbia in 2007, he did something that established our nation’s capitol as ground zero in the battle for education reform: he hired Michelle Rhee as the chancellor of DC’s schools.

Before she resigned her post, Rhee became famous for: 1) having no previous experience running a school district, 2) having a communication style that is direct and not very diplomatic and 3) firing a whole bunch of DC PS teachers.

(She has also overseen the closing, re-building and building of a bunch of schools and kindasorta gets credit for helping improve the overall performance of public schools in DC. But that’s probably another topic for another blog.)

Guggenheim presumably chose to feature Rhee’s work as chancellor to provide an example of how difficult it is to deal with the teachers’ unions. Her time on screen in Waiting for Superman suggests a no-nonsense woman who is driven by obtaining results. She is represented as utterly impolitic. And, in alternating scenes, she comes off as a breath of fresh air and stunningly remorseless. Some Janeys would love her. Others would loathe her.

Near the end of the film–before we get to the lotteries part–we learn about a contract proposal Rhee submitted to the DC teachers’ union in 2010. The deal was simple: keep tenure and get a modest pay raise or abandon tenure, accept merit pay and create the possibility that a top-performing teacher could earn $120K annually. According to Guggenheim’s version of events, the DC teachers’ union refused to even consider the contract proposals for fear that it would divide their membership.

(He’s right. It kinda did. For a brief time. Ultimately, the union voted to accept the merit pay model. The process to get that “yes” was, to be polite, acrimonious.)

Why would a teachers’ union oppose merit pay? There is the obvious reason, evident in the film, whereby crappy teachers want to keep their jobs. These people expect their union–to whom they pay dues–to protect them at every cost with no regard for how their lackluster performance affects the integrity of the union as a collective bargaining body.

And there is the not-so-obvious reason that the film ignores altogether: if you’re going to tie a person’s pay to performance, then how exactly will you measure that performance? A number of teachers and teachers’ unions disagree with existing performance metrics on the premise that they are based on flawed methods of evaluating students. Methods like that ridiculous mess otherwise known as standardized tests. It’s a legitimate negotiating point and it raises a second great intrigue: who controls curriculum?

Curriculums frequently originate with school boards. And not all school boards are created equal. There are those (*cough* Texas *cough*) who insist on fighting a moral war over whose story is really American history. Those battles have absolutely nothing to do with math, science, language or the actual skills that drive a nation’s economic success. Because the work done by school boards establishes the constraints teachers must work within, they play a central role in the public education narrative. In Waiting for Superman, neither school boards nor the havoc they sometimes wreak factors into the education conversation.

Regardless of what power any school board wields, we can assume that a thoughtful teacher would like to have some creative license to figure out how to fill his/her pupils’ heads with the knowledge they have been charged with imparting. At present, the constraints set by the average school board–and the accompanying bureaucratic tangle aimed at establishing the illusion of accountability–are rather limiting. The result is that lament teachers around the country have been singing for nearly two decades: “All I can do is teach to the test.” Where merit pay is concerned, some teachers are content to do just that in order to earn high enough marks to merit a pay raise. There are others–a lot of potential Mr. Hollands among them–who are driven away from the profession by their frustration with yielding to the great bureaucracy that serves the desires of adults much more than it tends to needs of the kids it is supposed to nurture. Consequently, merit pay is not such a simple issue and, maybe, teachers’ unions aren’t the bad guys. At least, they’re not the only bad guys.

(Did we lose Janey yet?)

(via Instructables)

Can It All Be So Simple?
In trying to understand what is really wrong with public education and how we can all band together to go about fixing it, there are two scenes in the film that scratch the surface of how complex the education problem really is.

In one scene, we see an animation that shows us the bureaucratic tangle produced by the people who author the various metrics which testing and, in turn, funding are tied to. We see that the federal government says one thing. State governments also chime in. County governments sometimes have a say. And don’t forget about municipal governments. The mandates issued at all these different levels of government jumble both good intentions and not-so-noble agendas to establish requirements aimed at producing proficient takers of tests. Should that be the point of education? The film, albeit briefly and swiftly, makes it clear that the bureaucratic tangle is not really helping students at all. If anything, it heaps more needless complexity upon them to create a system which overvalues its own metrics and undervalues the teachers who are tasked with executing its mash-up of mandates.

In the other scene, we see an animation showing us how the U.S. economy used to work. Way back in Don Draper’s heyday, a certain number of people went to college. Another cohort went to trade school. Other people worked in administrative capacities. And everyone else did the jobs that required physical labor. The spectrum moved from white collar to gray collar to blue collar. And the K through 12 experience was designed to produce people who could fill all of those positions. It made sense back then. But…that’s not our economic reality today. The entire U.S. educational system–as the film implies–has become outmoded. As such, we face a much bigger question than how to produce great teachers or how to give them the space to be great. We must ask: what exactly are the intended outputs of our public education system? What exactly do we need our graduates to be capable of doing? The film doesn’t touch those questions. At all. And maybe it doesn’t need to. But, with that new cliche, “Too big to fail,” still echoing throughout much of today’s American discourse, we need to be thinking in those terms. The process, we should all know, is only as good as the thing it produces.

(via SlipperyBrick)

G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T.
One of the final words in Waiting for Superman comes from Geoffrey Canada. He recounts how education was viewed in his family back when he was a child. He also describes the impact good teachers had on his personal development. He ends his thought saying something to the effect of, “We have got to restore in these kids that education is a way out.”

Um…

A way out of what?

Or, if you prefer…

A way into what?

Let’s start with the “into.” College is probably implied by that. College is also really expensive. And getting expensiver by the semester. There are people who are in their 30s today–including some Janeys–who are still paying off student loans that helped them finish college 15 years ago. Some of them are still paying off the interest on those loans. And we’re not talking about irresponsible people here, either. We’re talking about single people who make $50,000 a year. Who live in cities where $1,200 a month gets you a closet. To live in. If you’re lucky. Other young debtors are still sleeping under Mom and Dad’s roof. Regardless of what you owe, a college degree ain’t what it used to be. You can have a BA or even an MBA and you can still be downsized or outsourced. You could simply be unhirable for some random reason. You may get yourself into college, but what you get out of that…well…there just aren’t any guaranteed paths to prosperity any more.

As for the “way out”…clearly, Mr. Canada is talking about rough neighborhoods. Or poverty. Probably some combination of both things. That’s a hard point to argue. However, given what we know about the cost of higher education, maybe that escape is actually a pyrrhic one. It’s more likely, though, that Mr. Canada is correct. He’s just using the wrong words.

Nothing should be a way out of anything else. Not in America. There just isn’t anywhere else left to run to. We manifested our destiny and have conquered every place that’s worth conquering. Whenever we classify our neighborhoods or cities or regions as destitute, that’s just an invitation to speculators and developers to invade. When they do, they shuffle around the people who we would prefer not to have as our neighbors so we can christen that same neighborhood or city or region as…nice. Until, of course, the undesirables reclaim that space and make it not nice. Lather, rinse, re-gentrify.

What Mr. Canada–and Janey, if she’s still listening–should be calling for is a way forward.

(via Amnesty International)

There Is a Way
Davis Guggeheim–and whomever his financial backers are–leave viewers of Waiting for Superman with a call to action. The way forward regarding public education is simple, they tell us. All you have to do is visit http://www.waitingforsuperman.org. There you’ll learn what you can do to help fix our schools and, by extension, our country.

I’m no Janey (much more of a Dick, actually), but I figured I had to visit the website to learn more. And I did learn more. Like, I learned about the real purpose of Guggenheim’s film:

Waiting for Superman is simply an excellent piece of propaganda.

That’s all it is. Propaganda. Every creative decision in the film’s production chain was always intended to stir up emotions and drive everyone to be as passionate about education as the typical Janey would be. And I’ll be gotdamn’d if it doesn’t work.

The film isn’t supposed to give you all the answers. Neither is the accompanying book. It is simply supposed to roil your insides such that you engage with everything that is happening via the Waiting for Superman website. When you’re there, you can donate money to good teachers who need a little bit of extra help with things like text books or art supplies. You can share the experiences you’ve had at your kid’s school. You can learn how to effectively interact with school administrators or elected officials. You can talk with experts about testing methodologies. You can do…pretty much anything you want to in order to contribute to improving our schools. It’s a very well constructed site meant to facilitate the complex range of activities necessary for solving the riddle of public education in these United States.

Maybe you would have stumbled onto it without a nudge from Davis Guggenheim. Maybe you, like Janey, were slightly more focused on whether Emma was ever going to stand up to Sue on Glee. (SPOILER: She did.) Whatever the case, you can’t ignore the site–or the cause–any longer. While you may be mad because of the filmmaker, you can’t really be mad at him.

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Once upon a time, an English professor explained to me–and the rest of her class–the seven basic plots in literature. In addition to providing a working context for writers, she suggested, the prevalence of these themes relieves all creative people of the burden of avoiding cliché. If there are only seven stories any of us can tell, then why should any of us worry about drifting into hackneyed territory? There is freedom, she told us, along the well-worn path. Freedom to create our own work without fear of biting or stealing from anyone else. Theft, she argued, would be inevitable. Indeed, it should be embraced.

At some point in her monologue, she wrote on her dry erase board, “Know your influences. Know your competition. Be them if you must. But find a way to play them from inside the mask of yourself.”

Once upon a time, Ben Affleck made a great movie set in Boston. Once upon a time, a great gangster movie was made about Boston. Today, which will surely be hailed as a once-upon-a-time of its own, Ben Affleck has made a great gangster movie set in Boston. The former has been accused of borrowing from both the latters–and from other films like Heat–but that doesn’t devalue its accomplishment. Derivatives–as long as they have nothing to do with Wall Street–are the sincerest form of flattery. And, one could argue, the only thing left to create.

If you haven’t seen the trailer yet–or the film itself–here’s the executive summary of The Town: Ben Affleck plays a dude from Boston’s Charlestown neighborhood. He works with three of his friends to rob banks and other high-reward institutional targets. One of his friends, played by Jeremy Renner, is a brother by experience but not by blood. Together, they represent the brains (Affleck) and the heart (Renner) of the crew. During a bank job, they uncharacteristically take a hostage, played by Rebecca Hall, and immediately release her into the Boston wild as soon as the crew has found its way back to the friendly confines of Charlestown.

The conflict in our story occurs in three layers. The first concerns what the crew will do with the woman they briefly held as a hostage. The second concerns whether the FBI will finally unmask the costumed bandits who have thus far eluded capture. And the third, as you could guess, concerns what choices Affleck’s character will make about his own future.

As the conflicts weave together to create the fabric of The Town‘s story, the Affleck and the Renner characters wage a war between two classic villain archetypes: one side chooses a life of crime reluctantly because he is good at it while the other chooses it eagerly because it appears to be the only available choice. The reluctant one mourns his crimes. The eager one celebrates his. While they do compliment each other quite well with their mix of ability and ambition, death will invariably come for one or both because the two sides cannot coexist forever.

The Hall character–despite the more literal presence of a neighborhood dimepiece (played by Blake Lively) who doubles as flame/sister–serves the role of Helen of Troy in this drama. Here, Helen causes the brains and the heart of the bank-robbing crew to swap roles as each wrestles with a simple question: how smart is it to become emotionally entangled with the one reliable witness to your crime? That swapping of roles is what drives the battle between the two villain archetypes. You get a lot more Affleck than you do Renner in The Town, but their interpersonal conflict is ever present in the film.

In addition to that battle, the crew struggles to remain undetected by the FBI. Jon Hamm–more frequently known as Don Draper–plays a character who leads the FBI team pursuing the bank robbers. Ordinarily, Hamm’s team would be the guys wearing the white hats. But they don’t wear white hats. They don’t wear any hats at all. Affleck–in his other role as director of the film–doesn’t permit them to. We get to know very little of Hamm’s character other than that he thinks he is excellent at his job and he seems to enjoy the competitive pursuit of people who commit crimes. It’s a really smart decision by a clever filmmaker–one that suggests more of a style than a simple choice in how to handle one character in one story.

Hamm–or Don Draper if you prefer–can more or less own the frame. You may not have heard of him before Mad Men, but now it is hard to imagine him as anything other than a leading man. How do you relegate an actor like that to the background of your story? You define his character very narrowly and you limit the space he can explore. The result is that we kinda see Hamm’s agent as human, but we’re more likely to see him only as an unrelenting man on a mission. It’s as if director Affleck told Hamm to watch Tommy Lee Jones’ performance in The Fugitive and crib liberally from it.

Affleck made a similar decision with Lively’s character. Many of you may know her from Gossip Girl. I don’t. I still think of her as the hot blonde from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. And when I do, I think of the chick who kindasorta looks like a star. Given how early she is in her career, you would not be crazy to assume that Lively’s agent or publicist or someone else on her team might advise her to take on opportunities to topline. In The Town, Lively is almost an afterthought. Except for the fact that she isn’t. Like the decision in how to include Hamm’s character, Lively’s character is also pushed to the narrative’s periphery–but much moreso. She’s supposed to be hot. She’s supposed to be hot for Affleck’s character. And she’s not supposed to be able to stand on her own two feet. Lively could probably nail the first two on her own. And she does. The third one–which she may be capable of as well–seems to be borrowed in part from Emily Mortimer’s most nervous moments in Redbelt. Given how it parallels Hamm’s performance, you’re left to conclude that director Affleck had a strong hand in guiding it.

Some of the best directors treat the characters in their films as if they are individual shades of the human spectrum. Some characters represent multiple hues, but it’s perfectly okay for other characters to be limited to a single shade of a single color. There is freedom in that choice to limit. On one hand, the actors are free to play directly to the gut of their narrowly defined characters giving us a magnified view of that specific shade of the human experience. On the other hand, the audience doesn’t have to be distracted by how it feels about one supporting character or another. Instead, the audience can immediately acknowledge the simple purpose of the supporting shades and journey with the multiple-hued main players into some experience which may illuminate life as we all think we know it in a unique or fascinating way.

Think back to some of Stanley Kramer’s films like Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? or Inherit the Wind. His supporting characters tended to be present in very deliberate ways. As if they were tasked with bringing to life the atmosphere within which the primary characters were challenged to make the big choices around which the film would be built. The characters played by Hamm and Lively in The Town appear to be directed in such a way. Maybe director Affleck is a fan of Kramer’s. Maybe not. But there’s certainly no harm in saying that the work of one emerging filmmaker compares favorably with the work of an old master. At least, there is no harm done to Affleck, the director.

It’s worth noting that The Town is an adaptation of Chuck Hogan’s Prince of Thieves. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t speak to how faithful the film is to the spirit of the novel. There is certainly a patience in the film that calls to mind the pacing of a good novel. We get dumped directly into the conflict between the two villain archetypes, but the way the romance between the Affleck character and the Hall character unfolds gives us some space to feel sympathy for the human being who reluctantly robs banks for a living. So much so that it is reasonable to root for the guy-who-is-technically-bad-but-kinda-seems-good.

The Town is a film that we’ve all seen before. And we’ll all probably see again. It is a story that has been worn out. And then worn out some more. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It is something of an inevitability. And, in director Ben Affleck’s case, it works out pretty well. Very well, I’d say.

DYL MAG SCORE: An 8 that thinks its a 9.

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When you go to the Fairy Tale Store, there’s no aisle you can walk down to assemble the ingredients for a scenario where Party A lives in New York, Party B lives in San Francisco and the two parties live happily ever after…in their long distance relationship. That’s not a situation little girls dream of. And it’s not a situation little Michael Sorrentinos have enough willpower or patience to endure.

(Long distance relationships can work. Of course they can. But their success rate hovers around the Mendoza Line. Or, if you prefer to be more current, the Jeter Line.)

So…Going the Distance is not a fairy tale. It is, in fact, the rare romantic comedy that generally avoids the fantastic machinations intended to make single women feel less bad about being single.

Going the Distance is on some real shit. Plain and simple. It feels as if it were written and produced by adults. Granted, “adult” is presently a very loose life status given that we live in the age of 30-year-old boys and women who behave as if 32 is the new 16. Maturity, however, is not completely extinct. And it is a prevailing theme, for the most part, in Going the Distance.

Drew Barrymoore and Justin Long star. They’re together in real life.(*) She plays the party who lives in San Francisco. He plays the party who lives in New York. They meet while she’s interning for a newspaper in New York and decide to have a thing while they share a zip code. Their mutual attraction hinges on 3 factors: 1) they’re both hipsterish 2) they’re both very candid in expressing their intentions and 3) they have legitimate chemistry. When she has to return to the West Coast to complete grad school, they decide to keep doing their thing even as all of the purple mountain majesties and thousands of amber waves of grain stand between them. Hence, our conflict.

There are other people in the movie. Charlie Day. Jason Sudeikis. Christina Applegate. You even get a cameo from Ron Livingston. (He’s the guy from Office Space.) Each of them is pretty effin’ funny. Particularly Charlie Day, who delivers the best line in the movie. Perhaps the best line in any movie so far this year. (I won’t spoil it for you.)

The Liberian Girl and I saw Going the Distance last week. Coming out of the theatre, we were both surprised that such a film showed respect for its audience. We didn’t have to watch Jennifer Aniston pretending she wasn’t Jennifer Aniston. And we didn’t have to watch Jennifer Lopez pretending she was some regular chick worth less than $12 million. We got to see real people–really funny people–doing things that real people do.

Real people play trivia games in bars with strangers then try not to get caught sneaking out of the cute one’s house the next morning. Real people also hate on the dude/chick who appears to treat their partner so awesomely that every other relationship sucks by comparison. And real people, believe it or not, have cinematic moments in the airport.

Many years ago–when Osama bin Laden was merely a recalcitrant scion and not a world-class villain–I was in a long distance relationship with a woman who lived two time zones away. We had found ourselves tiptoeing through a rather delicate moment and made plans for a rendezvous in a city equidistant to each of us. The rendezvous was not nearly as randy as we had hoped it would be. It was quite the opposite. And, at the end of the weekend, we chose to end our relationship. We did so during a cab ride to the airport. Checking in was very quiet. Clearing security was awkward. Sitting at her terminal waiting for her flight to board felt interminable. Eventually they called for her section to board. We hugged one last time. Said the things you’re supposed to say when it’s over and neither of you is happy about it. Then I watched her walk up a ramp and disappear into a 757. Part of me wanted her to turn, run back to me and say what you want people to say when you want the relationship to keep going. The rest of me knew she was too headstrong and too smart to even glance over her shoulder. There was no glance.

I shared that story with the Liberian Girl after we exited the screening of Going the Distance. She did not have one of her own to respond with. Nor did she ask a bunch of superflous questions about my previous relationship. (The Liberian Girl is too smart to be so petty.) I think both of us understood that the people on the screen were genuine avatars and that either of us could have been either of them.

When you’re in a long distance relationship, something very good develops to delude both parties. It convinces them to choose that arrangement despite the obvious obstacle. Sometimes, the good thing overcomes the miles. More often, the miles make the good thing wilt. And the two parties find themselves inside a bottle of gin. At least that’s where I found myself after my good thing walked away from me several years ago.

I won’t tell you how Going the Distance ends. I will tell you that it felt very genuine to me. Watching the two parties in that film fumble so candidly and struggle so earnestly felt like reliving the good parts (and the bad parts) of my own story. The film was not hopelessly romantic. It was not whitewashed of the unfortunate circumstances that happen in real life. And it found a way to keep a sense of humor amidst the pursuit of the impossible. Even when I wanted the film to stop being so real and to divert into fairy tale territory…well…I probably shouldn’t finish that sentence. Good, bad or otherwise, I wouldn’t want to spoil it for you. Although I will tell you there is far more that is good about this film–just as there is far more that is good about the relationships you remember most–than there is anything else.

Besides, the film should be at the cheap movie theatre in your neighborhood next week. And a cheap date is better than no date, right?

DYL MAG SCORE: A 6 point something that rounds up to a 7.

*You’ll have to check with Us Weekly to be sure. I’m no authority on those matters.

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My brother married a Canadian woman. They exchanged vows in an Ontario border town situated at the most eastern and most southern point of Lake Superior.  For the reception, the bride’s family–who had emigrated from Italy–supplied enough good wine to fill up all five Great Lakes. (All of it was consumed.) The maid of honor made a toast that used the word “fuck” in a tasteful manner.  When the DJ played a Michael Jackson medley, a group of middle-aged men performed an impromptu half strip tease. After the reception, my cousin won two grand at a poker table at the border town’s casino. My other cousin hooked up with the bride’s best friend. Who was a smokin’ hot exotic dancer. (Not as much of a redundancy as you may think.) The morning after the wedding, I woke up in a bath tub. Wearing a tuxedo. With a big pile of gnarled chicken bones on my chest.

My college roommate–who went on to become an attorney–married an Indian woman who worked as a pediatrician. They celebrated their nuptials at a big country club just outside of Washington, DC. He made his entrance riding a massive pale horse. (The grounds of the country club wouldn’t accommodate an elephant.) Both of their families are Indian so the September ceremony stretched for nearly five hours. The club had four different bars, which allowed me to toggle comfortably between college football and the ceremony.  In the course of that wedding day, I ate 40 lbs of food. And, by one conservative estimate, I ingested 11 gallons of curry. Along with seven gallons of bourbon. Also a conservative estimate. At the tail end of the wedding night, I was on the verge of winning $300 in a friendly game of cards. But I had to sell my chips when my other college roommate called me in a panic. He had wandered off very drunkenly from the reception several hours prior and had passed out somewhere on the club’s golf course. He hadn’t sobered up enough to navigate his way out of there and had rang a dozen people from the wedding party before I answered. It took five of us two hours scouring the fairways before we found him. It took all six of us another hour to escape that well-manicured jungle.

There was a different wedding where I “met” a chick at the reception then got “stuck” in a hotel room with her after we both “volunteered” to be bumped from our overbooked return flights. Then there was the wedding that was held at a museum. (I’m pretty sure the Chagall was damaged before we got there.) At another wedding, Fergie–who happened to be the groom’s first cousin–sang a Luther Vandross standard for the newly married couple to dance their first dance to.(*)

I haven’t been to a great many weddings, but a significant number of those I have attended have been…epic. In one way or another. So I feel like I know some shit about how weddings are really supposed to go down. And I feel qualified to declare that weddings–all weddings from this point forward–have been ruined by a movie.

Rachel Getting Married is not new. You may remember it. It came out a couple years back and earned Anne Hathaway her first Oscar nomination. The conceit is surprisingly simple: a recovering addict is released from a rehab center to attend her sister’s wedding which is being held at their father’s Southern Connecticut mini-estate. Rachel, the one getting married, is on the verge of finishing a PhD in psychology. The guy she’s marrying is a musician. We learn that–and a whole lot more–about the two people who are about to make a very happy couple as we watch the sister slash addict–played by Anne Hathaway–awkwardly integrate herself back into the broken family.

Why was it broken? Well…there was a tragic death in the family that ultimately caused the divorce of Mama Rachel and Papa Rachel. The Anne Hathaway character had something to do with the tragedy. And, to the chagrin of some, she was not the one who ended up dead because of it. I won’t say much more about the plot as the flick has been running pretty regularly on pay cable and, since it is very 8-y, you should definitely see it if you haven’t already.

Before the film ruins weddings, it is first an exploration of family. And, as the members of Rachel’s blood and extended families mingle to administer to all the details of the wedding, we get some interesting insight into how a family can function.

On its face, the prospect of being part of a family is good for one’s health and rewarding for the soul. There will be someone to pour hydrogen peroxide over your bloody, gravel-filled knee after you lose control of your bicycle. There will be someone to cheer your name when a diploma is handed to you. And there will be someone who cries joyfully on the happiest day of your life. Between all those big, boldfaced moments on the time line of a family, there are the little moments that, when taken together with the boldfaced moments, raise a larger question: does a family prop each other up or hold each other back?

(There is, of course, such a thing as a dysfunctional family. But that has far less to do with the family and much more to do with the dysfunction. To be frank, that type of conglomeration is a vomitous pile of something that was supposed to taste good, but instead caused a revolt of the taste buds of all involved.)

Rachel Getting Married kinda makes us think “hold each other back” is the answer. As we learn about the addict, her addiction and how her family tried to navigate its way through their own special ring of hell, we see that love is only as valuable as it is intelligent. Blind support or desperate affection is extremely counterproductive–for all parties involved. You probably could pick up any of a dozen semi-crappy romantic comedies to obtain that cliched revelation. What makes Rachel Getting Married a valuable movie experience is the raw way in which each character gets to have their own moment to make the case for “propping up” or “holding back.” As each character does, we find that the truth–as it usually does–lies somewhere in the middle. Families do both. They can’t help it. Smart families recognize when they’re holding each other back and they make the necessary choices to get back to the propping. Those families who aren’t smart enough…well…they struggle together. Or, rather, because of each other. Until the day comes when they figure it out.

But this wasn’t supposed to be a rant about families, now, was it?

In the movie, Rachel Getting Married, the coolest wedding proceedings imaginable unfold casually and carefully. We start with what appears to be the rehearsal dinner. There’s no nervous walk-through followed by slightly tense interactions between families and friends who wil be forced to share at least a part of each other. Instead, there’s a concert. Or, to be more accurate, a series of performances. By a dope electric guitarist. A dope spoken word artist. A dope jazz ensemble. A dope comedian. A dope choir. In short, the whole shit was dope. (The groom was actually played by one of the dudes from TV on the Radio, I think.) And then they sat down for dinner where everyone took turns giving speeches about the bride and groom. Both of the Moms. Both of the Dads. All of the Siblings. Both of the Best Friends. A number of the not-so-best friends. And…I kid you not…Fab 5 Freddy.

Yeah. THAT Fab 5 Freddy.

And that brings us to the ultimate lesson from Rachel Getting Married–the one that ruined weddings forever moving forward.

You and I have both been to some pretty amazing weddings where some outrageous characters have done some exceedingly memorable things. You’ve probably seen some crazy drama from an evilbitch bridesmaid or dumbass dude who can’t hold his liquor. (You may have performed in one or both of these roles.) Since weddings all need to accomplish the same thing–to legally tether two people to each other–they all kinda have to exist within the same framework regardless of the richness associated with any particular tradition.

Since we know the ultimate spoiler to every wedding proceeding–the groom will kiss the bride and they’ll march off happily into the ever after–wouldn’t it be cool if all the players who make up the scenes that comprise the wedding could be cast instead of invited? And wouldn’t it be cool if you could write those scenes yourself rather than conforming to some overused script?

Like, instead of some random cotton-topped dude sitting at Table 7 trying not to stare at the cleavage of the 19-year-old blonde at Table 6, why not have Fab 5 Freddy chomping on a cigar and teaching the assembled children how to properly tag a subway car? Or telling stories about crazy nights spent in some Jamaican shanty town? Or doing whatever Fab 5 Freddy does to be cooler than 100 polar bears’ toenails?

Maybe you wouldn’t cast Fab 5 Freddy–if you wouldn’t then you should probably unfriend me everywhere on and off the internet–but there’s gotta be someone you could dream up to be a guest star at your wedding who would be far more interesting and entertaining than your co-worker from two jobs ago who you haven’t talked to in a year.

Going back to the movie, Fab 5 Freddy was just one of several elements that pushed the proceedings several stages past epic. There was a whole lot more music on the actual wedding day. A samba troupe. A folk singer and his band. A Jamaican dance hall singer. An alt-rock band. A DJ. And maybe a couple others I’m forgetting. The ceremony itself borrowed from Hindu and Judaic traditions and was executed with surprising simplicity. Mr. and Mrs. Rachel exchanged original vows which each ended with a simple phrase, “Thank you for marrying me.” The bride’s vows quoted her father. Most of the groom’s vows consisted of him singing a verse from a Neil Young song. When it came time for the officiant to make things official, he asked both the bride and the groom, “Do you?” When it was time for food to be served, the bridal party–even the dolled-up Rachel–tied on some aprons and delivered plates piled with meats grilled by an unnamed uncle to the hungry attendees. Also, there was an actual Wedding Czar played by the wildly entertaining poet Beau Sia.

So there was much more to the nuptials in Rachel Getting Married than just a bunch of dope artists. There was an aura of mutual compassion, an element of service, a subtext of humility and an eagerness to celebrate the genuine love two souls share for each other.

Your friends and family may love you, but are they truly worthy of being cast to perform in your wedding scene? More importantly, what kind of wedding scene can you dream up? Who cares if your family is Chinese and her family is Irish Catholic? What’s the coolest possible thing you could say to your soul mate in front of a room full of people? Cumbersome white gown or comfortable purple sari? Do you really need cake? Or would you prefer to leap into a pool filled with chocolate pudding? Do you have to have a priest or would you rather have an emcee preside over your loving shenanigans?

Whatever you do, don’t forget to invite Fab 5 Freddy. You can no longer have a proper wedding without him.

* 87% of the three introductory paragraphs is completely true. But I can’t remember exactly which 87%.

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