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Dustin Freeley

As a few million of you might know, Inception opened this past weekend to the delight of many and the derision of a few who expected a summer movie to be a masterpiece. Please note: there is no “second coming” in the summer. If you’re privy to the recent heat wave that has blanketed the Northeast, summer movies are prime excuses to pay someone else to run their air conditioner for a few hours. Thus, my unfortunate viewing of Ang Lee’s Hulk in 2003.

I believe it was a Thursday in the month of June – one in Jaimaca Estates where the faux-mercury of thermometers broached the ninety-five degree strata, fermenting the airborne smell of curry so that I might never eat samosa again without tasting bile in the back of my throat, and boiling the sidewalks of Highland Avenue to such an extent that the crack-dealing ice-cream-truck drivers began stealing Icee Pops from the local bodega to sell them to children and sweltering junkies looking for a raspberry fix.

Clearly, I digress, and more on the awesome entertainment value of Inception will be tackled in a later post, but for the time being, here’s a brief look at the theatrical experience leading up to the feature presentation.

After arriving forty five minutes before the showing, I realized I should have arrived an hour prior once I saw the four-line queue that occupied the area in front of Union Square’s Theater 4 and the adjacent theaters. Deciding that sitting in the front row of a movie theater might be one of the biggest wastes of thirteen dollars I could come up with – aside from last week’s decision to sit in the center of the theater and watch the incomprehensibly lame and unoriginal Predators – I trekked to Theater 4’s balcony and found a much shorter line.

6:45 arrives and my line crawls forward; burgundy clad, flash-light toting ushers make sure the queue remains one and no one decides to bum rush the theater door. Stragglers who sent shills to hold their places emerge from the auction house of a concession counter, fully equipped with hydrogenated popcorn swimming in yellowish-dyed oleo byproduct that tastes faintly like butter with an intriguing petrol bouquet.

Content with rather solid seats, those in the balcony occasionally approach the railing to the main house of Theater 4 and wait for carnage to ensue. Nothing really happens, though when the doors below open, viewers flood in like pigeons spotting an old woman with a bag of Wonder Bread in tow, bodies bumping into each other, respective heads bobbing forward and back, looking left, right, ahead and behind as not to overlook any seats they pass that will accommodate their six companions who are using the bathrooms or finishing a final pint at the corner bar. As soon as one person sits, he or she immediately begins pulling items from bags, strewing clothing, water bottles, baseball caps, and shoes, to save seats and create a perfect illustration of a Buzby Berkley bacchanal.

The echoing “are these seats taken?” wanes, the lights dim, and the previews begin. Two film trailers with Zack Galifianakas are shown – Dinner With Schmucks and Due Date – both of which could be pretty funny. The first includes Paul Rudd and Steve Carell while the other co-stars Robert Downey Jr. The only downside to these two films is that Galifianakas may soon fall prey to the overuse of an actor and become a caricature of himself. The Hangover 2 is also coming out, and he may be forever enshrined as Alan.

These two previews generated a fair amount of laughter from the audience, but fascinatingly enough, the biggest laugh came during the next trailer – one for a horror-flick set in an elevator, Devil. Admittedly, I was drawn into the original premise – though it seems the filmmakers have shown their hand already inasmuch as they establish two certain red herrings in the first fifteen seconds of the trailer, one being a bearded, hoodie-under-a-corduroy jacket-wearing guy who thrusts his arm through the closing doors of the elevator so that he might not miss it and have to wait another thirty seconds for the next one. Anyone who is clearly portrayed as being the least professional of the characters shouldn’t be so frantic about catching a lift, unless of course he is the demon incarnate. That said, the filmmakers also show a sweet red-haired older woman, but making her the Devil just seems a bit too derivative, and truthfully – if that’s the way they are going – they should have gotten Betty White. She’s so hot right now.

At the same time, the movie looks pretty suspenseful and creepy – kind of like Quarantine – and if the filmmakers didn’t cross the eighty-five-minute mark, they should be able to keep the audience enthralled for the better part of the “which one of these people is the Devil?” deduction.

However, despite its promising start, this movie was doomed by the end of the trailer. Crimson text on a background denotes “One of these five people is not who they appear to be” … “From Universal Pictures” … “Comes a new nightmare,” but then… Well, then all suspense is obviated and the air is sucked from the theater and into the lungs of each and every viewer so that they might in unison release a rogue wave of laughter that overtakes the suddenly heavy laden score replete with metal clanging that portends to mimic the vibration of steel elevator cables that threaten to snap at any moment, providing white-knuckle entertainment.

But this potential is neglected. The suspense will never happen because the audience has read the no-longer ominous crimson text, but the vapid Crayola-red of “From the Mind of M. Night. Shyamalan,” words that augur horror shtick and the misremembered nostalgia of The Sixth Sense, a movie only watchable once for the – admittedly – surprising twist, but what many people seem to forget is that the pacing of the 1999 film is so viscous that the twist simply jars you from your slumber and makes you wonder what you missed.

Perhaps it was the scene in which Malcolm Crowe (Bruce Willis) is present in the same room as Lynn Sear (Toni Collette) so you believe they had to have had a conversation, or perhaps it was … well, that was it.

I can admire Mr. Shyamalan’s tenacity here, and quite frankly, it takes a lot of guts to keep making movies that people apparently dislike five eighths of – which perhaps makes him a true artist – but crediting a story’s conception in the “mind” of a man who has consistently provided predictable and rather mediocre story lines shouldn’t be a selling point. Honestly, I’m almost betting on the old woman to be the Devil. Or, it could be the young woman who is attacked first because … well, just seems like something that would be too farcical and misdirecting to really be considered.

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The original The Karate Kid is a synecdoche of the 80s; one that combines the underdog, underprivileged, middle-class Daniel Larusso (Ralph Macchio) – replete with brown hair, brown eyes and a New York accent that casts him as an outsider on the blonde-haired-blue-eyed-laden beaches of Beverly Hills and its affluent residents, including bad-boy Johnny Lawrence, which admittedly just sounds like a badass name. All of this is interspersed with a handful of love and training montages, complete with Joe Esposito’s silky-voiced-ballad declaring “you’re the best…a-round / nothins ever gonna keep ya down / yur the best aaaroooouuuund!”

Like most films from the eighties, this one has a moral message. And, like most eighties films, it tackles the theme of the outsider declaring the need for ubiquitous benevolence – but, after physically beating someone from a different culture, ethnicity, race, or social class. For further examples of these, please see Red Dawn, Footloose, Flashdance, Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV (Rocky V was released in 1990, so it rejects the need to further this trope; instead, Rocky beats the hell out of a smartass punk who has AIDS.) The Karate Kid’s message is two-fold. One, anyone can attain victory by staying focused and kicking some ass. Two, the elderly aren’t as useless as they seem. As a note, this last assertion is neither a joke nor an allusion to Dumb and Dumber. The original tagline for The Karate Kid is “Only the ‘Old One’ could teach him the secrets of the masters.”

Despite all of the eighties facets crammed into one film that also includes an improbable finishing move in the Crane Technique (really, Johnny just had to wait one extra second, wait for Daniel to land and then punch him square in the chest), The Karate Kid has a charm built on decent acting by Macchio, Elisabeth Shue, and Pat Morita (who, incidentally, was nominated for an Oscar for his role as Mr. Miyagi) as well as a decent story that traverses a wide range of ages insofar as Daniel, Ali Mills (Shue) and Johnny (William Zabka) are supposed to be 16- to 17-year-old students in high school, but the actors and actress are 23, 21 and 20, respectively, which allows adults to visually associate more with the characters because they are built like adults, not pubescent teens with acne and squeaky voices. If one were to cross-breed Saved by the Bell and The Karate Kid, it would probably be difficult to coerce an adult into watching the original without a child present. At the same time, the eighties mantra of butt-kicking teenagers clearly draws pre-pubescent teenagers as well as older teens into the film’s venture.

And, this is where 2010’s The Karate Kid differs. While nostalgia and the lack of having children prevent me from seeing this movie in the theaters, the previews are rather telling. Thus far, the reviews of the film have been pretty decent, and I’m actually not against a remake given that the newest version has been released 26 years after the original. After facing the hurdles that I’m getting old and on my path to true curmudgeonary, I brushed them off and focused on the trailer. In fact, I saw it at three different theaters, and there’s something just a touch wonky about the introduction of Mr. Han (formerly Miyagi) and the disparity between the overall charm displayed by the original.

First off, the main character Dre is played by Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith, a worshipper of Lord Emperor Zod, funding partner of a cult that is destined to end in castration or with the rest of us decreeing “Huh. Did not see that coming.” I have nothing against Jayden Smith, but his inclusion in this film follows what I like to call “Harry Potter Logic” – or, the creation of young adult characters who serve as magnetic vehicles that draws in similar young adult viewers and carry them along in subsequent novels and films as the young adult protagonists mature into teenage protagonists and then to an adult protagonists. Really, it’s genius, but one of the primary reasons why the majority of contemporary films should be DVRed for those spontaneous moments of boredom and nothing more.

Secondly, and most closely related to the wonkiness of Mr. Han is that the actors in 2010’s The Karate Kid are all 12-year-olds playing 12-year-olds. Because older actors were cast in the original, it doesn’t seem curious that Mr. Miyagi scales a chain-link fence to defend Daniel and completely pummels the five Johnny-led attackers, leaving them writhing and moaning on the ground while he helps Daniel back to the apartment complex. Appropriately, it doesn’t seem strange because Pat Morita stood about 5′3″ and was towered over by the taller, more muscular, 20-something-year-old actors, so we see (literally and figuratively) Mr. Miyagi as an underdog and at a disadvantage.

However, this connection with the old-man-underdog cannot be present in the newest version. Initially, the trailer seems rather faithful to the original with the exception of Mr. Han using a flyswatter as opposed to chopsticks — which elides the “true masters never lose focus” mantra of the original version — but then veers to the absurd when Dre is jumped by a number of Chinese students, only to be rescued by Mr. Han, who proceeds to take care of the gang and rescue Dre. The difference here is that the 12-year-old actors playing 12-year-olds look like 12-year-olds being jumped by Jackie Chan. While the original gives us a short, rather squat Mr. Miyagi facing a group of muscular, older males, the remake gives us Mr. Han, who has a good 12-inch height advantage on each of his opponents. While this was funny in Seinfeld when Kramer succumbed to his classmates’ “tiny fists of fury,” it reads as a bit creepier in the updated Karate Kid.

I’m half expecting the inevitable sequel to contain Walter Sobchak wandering through Beijing expositing, “Twelve-year-olds, Dude” prior to finding a toe before four o’clock.

What’s also a bit curious about this newer version is that the young protagonist’s ability to learn Kung Fu at such an exponential rate mocks the Chinese culture and the practice of Kung Fu, a martial art form inspired by Chinese philosophies, traditions, and legends. For Dre to be able to acquire these skills and physically – and evidently spiritually – match with students who have grown up with this practice as a way of life, minimizes the philosophical essence of Kung Fu. I don’t think the same thing can be said for the original Karate Kid inasmuch as Daniel was the only student learning from an experienced karate master in Mr. Miyagi. The Cobras were led and instructed by John Kreese (Martin Kove), a former Colonel in the United States Army. While he comes off as quite an adequate soldier, he is just that, a soldier and one who didn’t spend his youth in a country that cherished the significance of the martial arts.

If, on the off chance, China screens the new version of The Karate Kid and an international skirmish wells up because of it, I would like the 1.4 billion conscripted soldiers to read this post.

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Halfway through 2009’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Logan (Hugh Jackman) delivers the line “I come with you. I’m coming for blood. No law. No code of conduct,” which marks a departure from the moral, yet stigmatized killing machine who ventured heroically through the Civil War, World War I, II, and the Vietnam War. And, this seems to be the first facet of Wolverine’s depth as a superhero – or more aptly, anti-hero.

The impetus of Logan’s wrath is the presumed murder of his girlfriend Kayla (Lynn Collins), who he has grown to love in the six years since he abandoned his group of fellow mutant/elite military killing machines in an attempt to suffocate his compartmentalization as an “animal,” a stigma he softens by kissing Kayla in public and holding his temper when confronting token bullies who refuse to let the two of them drive over a bridge. At the same time, Logan’s fear of his potential rage rests lightly on his psyche inasmuch as he needs Kayla’s constant reassurance that “[He’s] not an animal. What [he] ha[s] is a gift.” While we find this is eventually part of a ruse that will be discussed a bit later on, it ameliorates Logan’s latent rage that occasionally manifests itself in the form of night terrors that end in ruined sheets and a mattress that absorb the bone claws driven into them.

As far as superheroes go, Logan initially follows suit in that the loss of a loved one, and the visceral memory of her death, haunts him enough to spur his need for revenge. William Stryker promises Logan an opportunity to “have [his] revenge” with the caveat “You’ll suffer more pain than any other man can endure.” Anodynes don’t exist for lost love, so Logan agrees and his body is injected with adamantium, covering his skeleton and transforming his bone claws into shamshir-like weapons.

Initially, Wolverine’s origin tale is rather familiar and reminiscent of Bruce Wayne, the orphaned child who witnesses the murder of his parents by a mugger who was either looking for a fix – if you follow the rhetoric of Batman Begins – or who eventually becomes the Joker – if you’re a Tim Burton cultist. The entirety of the Batman mythology is that Wayne seeks vengeance over those who attack those who can’t protect themselves or others, much like the young Bruce Wayne. That said, it seems that Batman is simultaneously haunted by his guilt of futility and cowardice – one that prevented him from protecting his parents. As a child, Wayne can’t be held accountable for their deaths, but the inability to act in a time of crisis can often lead to feelings of resentment and self-loathing. Therefore, the memory of his parents’ death and his inability to prevent their demise drives him to don the cape and cowl.

In the same vein, Peter Parker – with the help of a fortuitously precocious radioactive spider – seeks justice against the murderer of his Uncle Ben, a thief who he had originally refused to subdue, stating it is “the job of the police” (Amazing Fantasy #15). Like Batman, Spiderman is driven to protect those who can’t protect themselves by the guilt that resides within him, though this time it is the guilt of indifference. However, what these origin tales have in common is that the memory of a deceased loved one, and the inherent guilt conjured by their respective memories keeps the heroes on their path of vigilantism.

As Origins progresses, there are a number of claw wielding, berserker-style attacks that illustrate exactly how badass Wolverine can be, particularly when he seeks refuge in a farmhouse and must eventually take on a helicopter as well as a sniper with nothing but a motorcycle and six indestructible claws. While some of the casting choices in Origins differ from the story constructed in X2 – primarily the role of Williams Stryker, played by the stout, muscular Brian Cox in X2 and the physically opposite Danny Huston in Origins – the depiction of Wolverine is rather faithful and the third act leads us to the broodingly bearded and mysterious character in 2000’s X-Men.

At the same time, the third act of Origins differentiates Wolverine from most other superheroes, and it’s not because he’s the typical anti-hero that emerged in American pop culture toward the end of the Vietnam War; more so, Wolverine is atypical because he is driven by his lack of memory. The anger-impelled Logan initially sought vengeance on Vincent for Kayla’s death, and eventually Stryker because he and Vincent were working together, fostering a grand manipulation to draw Wolverine into their trap of mutant experiments. While Logan’s memory-driven vengeance is fueled by memory, the denouement of Origins begins with Stryker shooting Wolverine in the head with two adamantium bullets, which don’t kill him, but rather symbolically baptism him in the River Lathe, washing away his memory. Confused and unfamiliar with his apocalyptical surroundings, Logan is unaware of who he is, his only semblance of identity are his dog tags: one side emblazoned with Logan, the other Wolverine, a name earlier given to him by Kayla and one chosen when he embarked on his new trail of revenge – which completely obviates his given name, James. The initial irony inherent in this associative choice is that Logan, now Wolverine, is unaware of where his sobriquet derives. Instead, he associates the visual tags around his neck as a conscious choice, one that stretches prior to the embryonic moments of his new memory. The second irony is that Wolverine has now self-labeled himself “animal,” the very stigma he was trying to snuff through the first two acts of the movie.

Therefore, Wolverine’s lack of memory differentiates him from other superheroes. He doesn’t lose his morals – evidenced by his compassion for Rogue in X-Men and X2 as well as his love for Jean Gray – but his motivation does not stem from guilt as he has no idea what he might be guilty of and no true semblance of who he is. Instead, Wolverine is driven by what he doesn’t know, a quest to uncover himself and the memories that initially impelled the rage within him.

There is an overall sadness in this lack of memory insofar as Wolverine sees Kayla’s dead body on the ground and closes her eyes, seeing only a dead woman, unaware of the love that he originally harbored, and simultaneously unaware of the deceit that she was a part of – the deceit that ushered him into his current predicament. Thus, when Wolverine eventually recovers his memories, fulfilling his quest’s current purpose, those memories will conjure pain and resentment, a feeling of manipulation and betrayal.

While Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker might eventually find closure by tallying enough collared criminals to offset the self-prosecuting crime of futility and inability, Wolverine might be the Hamlet of comic books – discovering what you seek leads to what you never wished to know.

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Often, remakes signify a growing lack of originality that seems to be burgeoning throughout Hollywood, and this stigma is often compounded two or three fold when a production company decides to remake a horror film.  Some prime examples would be the most recent installments of A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th or Rob Zombie’s Halloween and its intended celluloid progeny.  However, one remake that has recently been a pleasant surprise is 2009’s The Last House on the Left.

As Wes Craven’s directorial debut, the original 1972 film isn’t the best of horror flicks, but it has that low-budget, cultish charm, and it happens to be Craven’s first film, so completely trashing it would be denying that anyone of us wouldn’t mind some sketches from a juvenile Pablo Picasso.

The story is virtually the same in both versions. Two young girls venture on a road trip and decide to locate some marijuana, which leads them into the hands of some criminals who proceed to murder both of them in the 1972 version but only one in the 2009 version. Though the intent is to murder both in the latter film, Mari Collingwood (Sara Paxton) survives the bullet wound, floats down a river, and crawls along the bank until surfacing outside of her parent’s summer camp where she makes her way to the porch and lies near death until her parents discover her. Aside from that variation, the murder/rapists in both versions coincidentally stumble upon the Collingwood home and are offered a place to stay. Eventually, and in a similar fashion, Mrs. Collingwood deduces that the three criminals have murdered – or at least attempted to murder – Mari. This simultaneously leads to the parental revenge, which ultimately fulfills the 2009’s tagline “If bad people hurt someone you love, how far would you go to hurt them back?”

While it is a slightly cheesy tagline inasmuch as it might be more appropriate to ask “If you’re daughter were raped and left for dead, how far would you go for revenge?,” it does point to one of the major disparities between the two films. In 1972’s version, both Phyllis and Mari are raped and eventually murdered, but all three of the assailants are illustrated as sadistic murderers who have all three escaped from prison. Fred Podowski (Fred J. Lincoln) has his way with Phyllis at the apartment in which the girls are initially led and trapped. Krug Stillo (David Hess) is Mari’s rapist, carves his name in her chest with a switch blade in a rather torturous scene, and eventually shoots her three times as she enters the silently flowing water in a baptismal scene to cleanse herself of raputurous sweat and saliva, welcoming death over impurity.

To further illustrate their sadism, Fred, Krug, and Sadie, their female accomplice, corner Phyllis as she tries to escape and hold her firmly against a tree while all taking part in bleeding her to death. Craven’s camera work in this scene is crafted in that he avoids the snuff-horror angle by capturing the downward motion of knife-wielding hands and interspersing scrannel noise to symbolize the dozen stabs that impale Phyllis, but there is a mutual sadism insofar as the three take turns torturing this girl, only to expose the apogee of their derangement when they confront Mari again, producing Phyllis’ severed hand – replete with forearm – from Fred’s jacket. Thus, all three can be undoubtedly linked to Phyllis’ death.

However, in 2009’s version, Krug is the most sadistic and the only clear murderer of both Mari and Paige (formerly Phyllis). The other two – similarly Sadie (Riki Lindhome) but this time Francis (Aaron Paul) – purposely crash a truck into a cop car and break Krug from the backseat, and while Sadie and Francis are guilty of aiding and abetting an escape, they are not the incarcerated. Granted, they can’t be absolved of guilt because Sadie kills one of the officers, but this strikes me as more of an act of passion to preserve the life of her lover, Krug, which I will tackle a bit later.

Unlike the ’72 version, the sequence of events that leads the girls to Krug is a bit different, but eventually all of the characters end up in the woods – this time after a car crash that is caused when Mari tries to rescue both Paige (Martha MacIsaac) and herself. Similarly, Paige tries to escape but is eventually cornered and returned; however, this time, only Krug is the assailant, and the other two make sure Mari can’t escape. Paige is stabbed twice and falls in a heap on the ground to bleed to death, but this version includes no amputation or orgy-style murder.

None of this makes the rape scene of Mari innocuous, though Director Dennis Iliadis films it craftily enough to evoke a visceral, lip-biting response in the audience while avoiding any gratuitous nudity or moaning that would make 2009’s version a snuffy-driven cousin of the original. However, there are some overall differences in Mari’s attack: one is that she is able to conjure enough energy after being raped to grip a small rock and take one lost shot at escaping her capturers and rapist, which makes her a stronger character than 1972’s version. Striking Krug aside the head, Mari runs for the water and dives in, swimming as hard as she can. Here, Krug and the other two emerge from the reeds and stand at the water’s edge, firing three shots. A small spurt of blood tells the audience Mari has been hit, and she floats away, toes up, but doesn’t perish.

The other difference in the attack is that the audience – admittedly or not – gets a glimpse of humanity that lies latently behind Sadie’s rather vacant, shark-like eyes.  As Mari is raped, Sadie turns away, seemingly struck by the surrealism of the entire situation; her lover is in a lascivious, physical discourse with another woman, and there is a moment where the audience could feel for Sadie and wonder why she is still so enamored with such a man. Likewise, this calls into concern the passion that she feels for Krug when she and Francis break him from the squad car. Where does this passion come from? What damage has been done to this young woman to forge such insecurity? What does Krug provide her with? At face value, perhaps these are irrelevant questions, but they illustrate the problem inherent in the curse of omission. As an audience, we are unaware of why Sadie does the things she does, but are subconsciously aware that something has damaged her, forcing her to join – and love – this reprobate. A similar glimpse of pain and humanity within Krug emerges toward the end of the film.

While Krug is in a battle for his life, his son Justin (Spencer Treat Clark) turns on him and holds a gun to his father’s head. The gun is unloaded, and the click takes the places of shattering skull, so there is no Oedipal catharsis, but Krug’s reaction is one of a forsaken father. “I took care of you!” he shouts at Justin, pinning him against a wall. “I took care of you!” Regarding this parent/child dynamic, Justin’s treason distracts Krug from his own self-preservation – he is at the same time being attacked by Mari’s father – and also alludes to some former circumstance in which he was deceived and turned on, possibly by Justin’s mother, who is referenced somberly as not being “around anymore.” Again, as the audience, we are unaware of the impetus for Krug’s demeanor and his personality, but are still provided enough sympathy to wonder what has driven him to such a criminal, sadistic existence.  

In the grand scheme of things, Krug and his posse shouldn’t be absolved of their crimes, and I don’t wish to minimize the heinous acts of rape and murder, but this curse of omission is relevant inasmuch as it helps us as the audience demonize these criminals and sympathize – even root for – Mr. and Mrs. Collingwood when they have the opportunity to avenge Mari. But, here blossoms a burgeoning, ethical sticking point of the film.

After offering to put Sadie, Francis, and Krug up in their guesthouse, the Collingwoods discover Mari lying on the porch, soaked by the river and pouring rain, a bullet wound in her back, and signs of rape all over her legs and genitalia. Being a doctor, John Collingwood (Tony Goldwyn) patches Mari up enough to transport her via boat to a safer haven. This is all prior to discovering a signal left by Krug’s son Justin, which leads us down a trail of revenge.

And this is where the 2009 sticking point causes a gross deviation from the ‘72 version by alluding to something that Slavoj Zizek has referred to as an “ethical illusion,” which parallels Noam Chomsky’s notion concerning the hypocrisy of a government that persecutes an individual for a violent act, but condones the large-scale bombing of citizens and other countries by their own government in order to secure one’s standing. While both acts constitute murder, the latter becomes permissible because of omitted knowledge.

Often, the histrionics that have swelled to an attack on another nation often go unacknowledged, and because the violence persists over various acts in time and cannot be conveniently isolated in one individual, it is condoned or written off as “necessarily patriotic.” This same rationale can be applied to a similar hypocrisy within John Collingwood’s actions of torturous, passion-driven revenge. John – unlike the audience – is unaware of any criminal act aside from the rape of his daughter, and while Sadie and Francis can’t be seen as upstanding individuals, John and Emma imagine them as guilty as Krug in the attempted murder of Mari. Feeding off their own emotional derangement, John and Emma justify torturous revenge on two of the three criminals, and while we may root for John to punish Krug and the other two for what transgressions they have committed in the past, the Collingwoods lacks the omniscient knowledge that we possess, and in the end, his acts of torture – and his role as a divine agent of punishment – are ethically unjustified — and ultimately fashion John as an equivocal criminal.

The first act of torture comes against Francis. While he is clearly a creepy guy, unable to sleep, and slinking back into the main house to get one last drink before bed, Emma’s actions aren’t innocuous. Even though she is trying to keep him from catching a glimpse of Mari, who lies on the coffee table, her method of distraction to keep him in the kitchen is to seduce Francis, offer him wine, and assert that John has drunk too much and passed out upstairs. While shady, Francis can’t be blamed for the intent to take her up on her offer. Infidelity –or its intention – is not a capital crime – nor is accessory to rape – that carries the sentence of mangling someone’s hand in the garbage disposal while he writhes in agony before his skull is impaled with the claw-end of a hammer.

Likewise, Emma eventually shoots Sadie through the eye, but it’s important to recognize that Sadie is killed while trying to protect Krug, and she is unaware that the Collingwoods are Mari’s parents. Francis discovers this before dying, and Krug eventually puts the pieces together, but prior to her death, Sadie is merely protecting her lover from aggressive insurgents; in other words, she exhibits the same protective viciousness over Krug that Emma and John show toward Mari, and half of Sadie’s actions stem from being provoked by the bullet spray that enters her chest.

John initially intends to kill Sadie in an executionary style; sleeping in the arms of Krug, Sadie is completely unprotected in the truest sense insofar as nakedness symbolizes vulnerability. There’s a reason why Hitchcock chose to have Marion Crane killed while showering. Are we any more vulnerable and isolated from our surroundings than when we are naked and showering – or sleeping? John’s intention is to execute in cold blood, and this intent shouldn’t be obfuscated because he’s a poor shot. And while the audience sympathizes with where his anger stems from, his anger is misdirected — if it should be aimed at anyone, it would be Krug, not Sadie.

These two deaths are a major deviation from the ’72 version because of the lack of sadism lacquered onto the Sadie and Francis of the 2009 film. More importantly, the Collingwoods of the ’72 version stumble upon Mari’s dead, mutilated, and raped body outside of their door and down by the river. Therefore, the punishment of 1972’s Sadie and Freddie is justified because their actions resulted in Mari’s death, not her attempted murder.

What further deviates the original John Collingwood’s actions from 2009’s character is that an element of strict sadism lurks within him, much like we are supposed to see in Krug. In Wes Craven’s original, John’s rampage and Krug’s subsequent murder happens rather shortly after Mari’s body is discovered. While I’m not condoning murder, if one is going to cite the Code of Hammurabi or the oft-cited Leviticus 24:17 “[H]e that killeth any man shall surely be put to death,” then John has the right to seek retribution, and given the short span of time between the discovery of his daughter and his chainsaw-wielding antics, his crime could be considered one of passion and frantic reaction that comes from seeing your daughter’s mangled, lifeless body.

In contrast, 2009’s John Collingwood takes his time killing Krug. After Emma knocks Krug unconscious, the camera alternates between Emma, John, Mari, and Justin in a boat, traveling to the nearest doctor with shots of incisions being made in someone’s back and neck. When the camera resumes in linear time, Krug’s body is lying on a slab, his head moving, resting in front of an old microwave oven. Over him stands John, who with white-gloved hands places Krug’s head on the microwave plate, slowly expositing that he “had no rope,” and Krug should not try to move because John has paralyzed him by making small incisions is particular places. This is rather telling in that the incisions were made prior to transporting the four of them to safety, which means that John had ample amount of time to stew, relive the night’s events, contemplate his options, reject anything humane, elect not to call any branch of law enforcement, and choose to become the executioner of a man who – to John’s knowledge – raped his daughter. While rape is heinous, three people lie in the wake of one man’s crime that is not even a capital offense. But, we don’t see this because we’ve been trained not to entertain sympathizing with a criminal, though we ultimately root for one through the film’s second and third acts.

As Krug’s flesh burns and his head explodes in the microwave, we are left to wonder about the value of omission, and while Krug’s, Francis’, and Sadie’s deviations from social laws and norms shouldn’t be overlooked, and their crimes ultimately punished, there’s something to be said for the way in which we are manipulated by our own emotions and tend to obviate the moments of humanity within those that Freud would classify as our “Neighbours,” or the Others who deviate from us socially, economically, morally, or theologically. When the blood is dried and the gore is compartmentalized and filed away in our desensitized, short-term memory banks, we can ponder “how far would you go to hurt them back?” Would it be justified, or just emotionally satisfying?

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Two years ago, I was heading from Oregon to New York.  As a week of Pinot drinking was slowly seeping its way out of my sweat glands and gradually returning my retinas to their inherently white color, the seven hour, two-part flight was a bit daunting. However, things began to look up as I arrived at PDX and was offered a seat in first class – on the first leg of my trip – for a minor sum of money. Since checking a bag is recently the equivalent of leaving luggage on a Manhattan street corner and assuming no one will steal it, damage it, or micturate on it, I rarely do it, thus leaving me thirty five dollars to apply toward the upgrade. Nice.

First class was fine, though kind of like viewing the Mona Lisa. Nothing against Di Vinci. The painting is stellar, though its reputation suggests it should be a work that makes me wonder why my life has been so insignificant and inspires me to paint something equally stellar or become a street-preaching demagogue who starts a new religion. (Gingerism! Featuring scripture by Bog’s right hand: Ron Howard, usually referred to as St. Opie.)

However, the painting is 30×20 inches, and the dame’s a little homely.

Likewise, first class is more comfortable than coach, but it’s not a temperpedic mattress with a goose down comforter.

Arriving in Cleveland, I knew I had coach to look forward to, but since it’s only about an hour and fifteen minute flight, I figured I would make do. The memory of comfortable first class seats cosseting each buttock would not fade on the concrete slab of 23A. Unfortunately, the benefit of first class is the amount of space between you and the other person, and from my single experience, I can say that the peacefulness – more than likely because there is less to complain about. 23B housed an elbow-gesticulating-woman whose introduction was “Hi I’m Mary, and I’m scared to death of flying because I’m scared to death of dying and I become very anxious on flights every bit of turbulence makes me say ‘Oh God’ what’s happening I am definitely a white knuckle flyer do you have any gum?” Luckily, her bulbous husband was there to settle her down by saying “Ha! It’s so true. Do you have any gum?”

Needless to say, the next hour and forty-five minute flight was stellar. (thirty extra minutes in a holding pattern because of inclimate weather – see a euphemism for incompetence.)

The second half of Splice re-conjured this memory, and when the credits rolled, a rogue wave of phantom pains from the Coca Cola that Mary spilled on my jeans during a fit of unwarranted nervousness tickled the hair on my upper thigh.

Beginning with a promising premise, Splice offers a look at the perils amid the genius accomplishment of genetic engineering. Interestingly, the perils are not served as purely moral or ethical amuse bouche – though they exist – instead, a number of the perils tackled are the interference of beaurocracy in a capital-driven industry where cells need to be replicated and diseases need to be cured to satiate the hungry pharmaceutical companies.

Likewise, Clive Nicoli and Elsa Kast (Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley) give fine performances and make the characters – initially interesting. Often, the stigma of a horror or suspense movie is one that fosters thin 3×5 card characters who have transparent personalities and speak in cheesy pseudo-dialog one-liners – see the most recent regurgitation of Friday the 13th.  Their dynamic as a couple is also intriguing in that Clive wants to eventually have children, and Elsa does not because “it’s not [his] body” that has to change. This is a fine infusion of a contemporary female conflict that posits the physical, capital-generating body in conflict with the physcial, child-bearing body of women. Posing an alternate hypothetical, Elsa suggests they wait until men can bear children, but Clive refuses to entertain this. The scene is shot well enough to inject humor, but underneath it suggests that Clive wants the responsibility – or labor – of child-bearing just as much as Elsa does; it’s just convenient that he doesn’t have to partake in it. This scene adequately foreshadows the creation of a multi-animal/human hybrid that Elsa takes upon herself to impregnate while Clive is locked outside of the test room, banging on the door, pleading her not to do it.

We are now travelling at an altitude of thirty five thousand seats and have turned off the seatbelt sign. Please feel free to move about the cabin.

At this moment, the desires of both characters are ultimately fulfilled inasmuch as Elsa obviates carrying and birthing the child and Clive technically gets to be a father. At the same time, the creation of the being – later named Dren – ultimately symbolizes the need to be capitally successful and world-renowned. As Elsa asserts earlier in the film, not just anyone lands “on the cover of Wired.”

Dren’s birth is initially a complication because neither Elsa nor Clive thought that it would gestate to full term. When it does, a living thing is introduced into the equation. Since it starts off looking like an armless kangaroo with a groundhog-like face, there is little concern. However, it eventually – and shortly because of rapidly multiplying and aging cells – begins to look human, which fosters an emotional, maternal attachment on the part of Elsa.

Good afternoon folks. If you will all please return to your seats, we are going to begin our decent shortly.

This emotional attachment is compounded when Elsa erases “it” from conversation and replaces it with “Dren,” which immediately categorizes the being as human. Here, the audience is still a bit uncertain what to think of Dren, and a bit uncertain what think about Elsa as well. Somewhere in the interim, Clive’s nosy brother stumbles upon this experiment, and the couple needs to find somewhere to store Dren; clearly, the best option is an old farm house that was owned by Elsa’s apparently crazy, abusive mother who never let her play with dolls, which is where the audience discovers that Elsa is a touch unstable and as Clive brilliantly exposits toward the end of the film just in case no one got it: “you did this for yourself!”

Sorry about that folks. Just a little bit of turbulence as we head toward the runway. Should be on the ground in just a few minutes.

Prior to Clive’s exclamation, Dren becomes a rather cognizant, and evidently attractive little multi-animal/human hybrid who develops a sexual attraction to Clive after witnessing her first primal scene of Elsa and Clive having sex – impossibly by the way—on the couch. (I don’t want to get into the impossibility of the sex scene right here, but when you watch the movie, you’ll be wondering how two people wearing jeans can have sex while the woman continues to wear jeans.) That aside, Dren’s attraction to Clive is illustrated to the audience through various drawing that she has done. Nothing is explicit, but she has only drawn Clive, which puts Elsa in a bit of a jealous rage. Here somehow, there is also a connection being drawn between Dren’s rejection of Elsa and Elsa’s rejection by her mother. While these could be parts of the same whole — or at least a fine model for the Electra Complex – it just seems a bit of a stretch, as does Elsa’s subsequent retaliation to amputate the end of Dren’s tail – the part with the claw-like stinger.

Well folks, welcome to Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. If this is your final destination, the luggage that hasn’t been lost will be located in Baggage Claim, Carousel C. For those of your traveling on, please enjoy wherever your final destination may be.

While not on board with the whole gestation of a full being issue to begin with, Clive feels ethically battered when he walks into the impromptu operation, hears Dren’s scrannel cry, and sees the houghs of her knees flexing against the leather restraints that fasten her to the table as Elsa removes the end of the tale. At this point, Elsa’s characters also reverts to that of a scientist, and her sole focus is on synthesizing the living proteins found within the recently amputated flesh.

So, how does one get back at a scientist girlfriend who seems to have lost all concern for another living being? By sleeping with the multi-animal/human hybrid.

Hi I’m Mary and I’m scared to death of flying…

And in both my airplane story and Splice, this is where I was praying for an explosion, an asteroid, a civilization-swallowing chasm, a bigger palm to plant my face in. First off, Clive has sex with the creature. He’s not attacked or raped. After a moment’s resistance, he kisses Dren and then becomes the dominant figure. Fine. She has wings that emerge when she’s all hot and bothered, and she’s cute…kind of – and available, but why?  What rationale could a screenwriter possible offer? They try. They really do. At one point, there’s a rather diaphanous excuse made when Clive states, “it’s your DNA [inside Dren] I can tell.” How?

Excuse me, Mr. Crick, could you please explain the superficially visible qualities of DNA?

The truth is, there is no practical reason for Clive to be the aggressor. Something interesting might have been if the screenwriters played on the whole “survival of a species angle.” It’s been done in Species, but at least it made a bit of sense, and in each scene, Sil was the aggressor. The men were just shills. Here, Clive becomes the aggressor, and there is no rationale.

To follow this up with more absurdity, Dren changes sex, so guess who she goes after. Yep. Prior to this, Clive’s nosy brother re-emerges to help them find her. How? Well, he has brought the movie’s symbol of uber-evil-capitalism, and justifies it before dying by saying “it’s the only way.” What is “it”? This is never explained, and the capitalist ultimately has nothing to do with capturing, killing, or selling Dren to a travelling circus. In fact, because they have no impact, the word “only” should also be stricken from the script, because clearly it is not.

I can only conclude by asserting that the unveiling at the end of Splice has all the charm of a burning Volkswagon stuffed to the brim with a dozen clowns.

DYL Mag Scale 7 (first half)

DYL Mag Scale 4 (second half)

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Because of its rather unique take on superhero origin stories, Iron Man was quite enjoyable and offered a glimpse at the birth of a superhero from his purely embryonic origins. The initial need for superpowers was unnecessary as Tony Stark is depicted as an enviable character prior to his iron baptism – an affluent playboy who drives fast, philanders without remorse with woman who are satisfied with the fact that he has had their wrinkled and stained dresses dry-cleaned overnight so that they can slip out just as easily and cleanly as they slipped in. Only a smile crosses their face as they are dismissed by the secretary.

In other words, Stark was established as an archetypical superhero inasmuch as his charm and bank account allowed him to accomplish and experience things that are idealized to the point of being unattainable by the average person. Then the film makes him mortal, letting the audience see how quickly one can perish if in the wrong place at the wrong time. Suddenly, money matters not, but Stark’s saving grace is his intellect and his determination to survive. Forced to rely on his innate talents, the superhero and the audience have bonded, and in much more of a way than one could bond with Peter Parker, the awkward teen who is bitten by a spider or Bruce Wayne who watches his parents brutally murdered in front of him, but has enough fiscal resources and an erudite butler to help him adjust.

Stark becomes the every man; his sense of survival transitions from sexual conquests and cars to self-reflection and the overall ramifications that his perpetually burgeoning capital has on society; the question of how he exists within himself and as a part of the world that his is charged with corrupting through the manufacturing of decimating weapons takes center stage. And, at the end of Iron Man, when Stark tosses aside the 3×5 cards that feed him a cover-up story to announce that he is Iron Man, there’s a sense that he does it because he can’t return to being a fraud, the face of a company with causes irreparable damage. Or, I would have liked to think…

Iron Man 2 confirms that my reading of the first film is a bit wonky, and instead of continuing Tony Stark’s changed-man personage, Iron Man 2 devolves Stark’s character back to the chauvinistic playboy. While this was charming in the initial film, Stark’s character was saved when he becomes reflective. There is little reflection in Iron Man 2; instead, Stark and Iron Man have become commodities; commodities that Stark himself is manufacturing and marketing, primarily when he arrives on the first day of Starkfest — the yearlong gathering of techno-junkies that will unveil the newest revolutionary weapons, gadgets, and gizmos to grace the world stage – dressed as Iron Man before stripping of the suit to make a speech about how he will not talk about how many times he has saved the world. As Stark’s humility flies out the window, so does our connection with him as Iron Man 2 actually illustrates him as more of a snarky ass than a guy we might empathize with.

Overall, this snarky persona has a binary effect on the audience. To writer Justin Theoux’s and director John Favreau’s credit, this snarky persona is actually closer to the one illustrated by the Iron Man comic books. Tony Stark was never really a likable guy in the comics and his struggle between being a model asshole mogul often conflicted with the inner responsibility to stop bad things from happening. At the same time, Stark’s snarkiness also pushes the audience to care less about what seems to be the primary plot of the film – aside from forging a bridge to the Avengers movie that will come out soon – the fact that Tony is dying from palladium, the “element that is keeping [him] alive,” which the HAL-like voice reminds us of in a rather unnecessarily expositing voiceover. (Tony presses his thumb to a small gadget to find out his “blood toxicity” reading three times within the first twenty minutes of the film.)

One would think that this recognition of mortality might bring Stark back to the character that charmed us in Iron Man; however, his mortality juxtaposed with the faux immortality of the Iron Man suit impels Tony to act recklessly, which in one sense could be seen as a cry for help. Unfortunately, this potential cry for help becomes a way to kill twenty-five minutes of film and elicit some cheap laughs – more from fist-palming than from genuine comedy.

Segue: There is no bigger face-palm in the movie than when Howard Stark, Tony’s father, talks to him from beyond the grave and reveals that the invention Howard is most of proud of is “you”.  This is not a spoiler; if you can sit through this film and not predict the word that’s coming after the pregnant pause, boo.

Depressed and struggling with his impending death, which HAL reminds us again “will kill [him],” Tony gets trashed during his birthday party, and our first glimpse of him is as a DJ, dressed in the Iron Man suit, slugging Dom Perignon. In a way, this is sad. Truthfully, not sure what I would do if I knew I was going to die sooner rather than later, but after Don Cheadle dons his own suit and orders the guests to leave, he and Tony proceed to destroy Tony’s house while fighting to Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust,” which is a fine song, but prefaced by Stark requesting the late DJ AM to lay down a “beat.” In the end, the entire scene is an exercise in unnecessary footage.

Aside from relegating Stark to an annoying figure, which is actually a credit to Robert Downey Jr. who manages to make Stark simply annoying and not obnoxious, the film has some fine moments. The CGI is still rather stellar and the combat scenes involving Whiplash (Mickey Rourke), War Machine (Don Cheadle) and Iron Man are worth sticking around for, as is the preceding scene where chaos breaks loose at Starkfest. I promise, I’m not ruining anything. It’s a comic book movie. If you didn’t expect chaos, you’ve never read a comic book.  

Likewise, I was a bit hesitant about seeing Iron Man 2 because the previews were jammed with so many characters that it looked as if this would be the second coming of Joel Schumacher’s red-headedBatmanstepchildren, but surprisingly, the cast of characters don’t sink the film. Mickey Rourke’s performance is rather subdued, and while his character is important to the action that unfolds, it is also rather restrained and the revenge angle is not overly-complicated. Really, it serves to expose Stark as the snarky ass that he seems to be. 

In addition, Scarlett Johansson’s turn as Natalie Rushman/Natasha Romanov/Black Widow is also rather subdued, and the sequence where she takes out a dozen guards is quite well choreographed and not overly Matirx-y [sic?] And, Sam Rockwell, who is slowly becoming my number one for “Most Underrated Actor” does a fine job as the oblivious and thoroughly incompetent Justin Hammer.

In the end, the one thing that Iron Man 2 drove home for me was that Iron Man is not a very interesting character. He’s really just a man in an iron suit, and there was no need for a sequel aside for being a bridge to the upcoming “Avengers,” “Captain America,” and “Thor” – if you chose to stay around for three minutes beyond the credits – films.

DYL Mag Score: 6

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